Monthly Archives: August 2014

Another day of extreme stomach pains……not as bad as yesterday….but still there, especially when I eat. I wish I did not have to eat anything…..but I have no choice due to my sugar levels……this is really upsetting me….”HELLO UPSTAIRS CAN YOU GIVE ME A BREAK, I DON’T THINK I AM ASKING FOR MUCH…..GEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

Went into the office with Dan early…..so today has been long and seems to be dragging……I cannot wait to go home. I am in such a bad mood, I am so sick of this pain…..I cannot stand myself or being around me……I hate walking around like everything is peachy, when all I want to do is cry. But it is what it is……hopefully tomorrow will be better. Keeping my fingers crossed!!!!!! It could be worse…..no sense bitching….no one wants to hear it. So….. P O S I T I VE Thoughts.

I woke this morning…..feeling worse than yesterday morning……I can not describe my stomach pains…..it is causing my head to hurt and I feel like I am going to toss my cookies if I open my mouth to talk. I thought it would pass as the morning went on…..made Dan his breakfast, cleaned up and made the bed……I just feel worse, I can not go into the office…..I am so mad, I hate giving in, I just cannot do it. So Dan left for work and I laid down on the couch for about an hour. After an hour I decided enough is enough….it is beautiful out….I am not going to stay inside and miss out on the beautiful weather. I will clean the house (do something constructive with time home and reward myself with an 1-2 hours by the pool as a reward)…..thinking positive.
I managed to clean the whole house, I am a happy camper, I just love a clean house….smells so fresh and all the dust bunnies are gone. Moving slowly, I put my bathing suit on (really should not be wearing a two piece….but who cares) and went to the pool. Ran into a neighbor there…..caught up with her and just laid by the pool, soaking up the sun, while grunting the stomach pains. It was so hot, I kept going into the pool to cool off which was actually refreshing. I think I feel asleep for a bit, until awaken by some splashing and screaming rug rats. I went home, showered, and decided to get a mani/pedi to fix the damage I did while cleaning earlier. After getting my nails done I came home and made a nice fish dinner. I could barely eat it……I literally forced it down…..my stomach was still killing me. Cleaned up the dishes and made lunch for the next day…..I am done for the evening…..planted my big ass on the couch and became a couch potatoe for the rest of the evening. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Woke this morning just feeling horrible…..which is normal, but I usually push myself and get pass the pain. I try to think of the positive, put a smile on my face, and let nothing stand in my way…….but today it has not been easy….I am trying, and it is upsetting me, cause I hate giving into the pain….but all I want to do is crawl back into bed……just shoot me now. I just want the day to end already…..and it just started!!!!!! This truly sucks! I went into the office with Dan, I am already counting the hours to go home. It is going to be a very long day and I am in a miserable mood..

Yes…..despite all the craziness the last few weeks, Dan and I were actually able to have some fun. Friday evening we went to the Jet/Giant game, whereupon we met up with one of our agents in the office and her husband….we tailgated with them. Dan and I had such a good time….good food, drinks, conversation and company, and lots of laughs….the weather held out too which was great. I had a blast…..I almost felt normal…..it was good to see Dan happy and laughing, god knows he needed it after the last couple of weeks. It was a good game, unfortunately the Jets lost…..but it was still a great time…….Looking forward to going to future games with my buddy and best friend. We got home after the game and watched some TV in bed and then we were out cold……Dan slept like a rock …..me on the other hand was up all night with an upset stomach.
Saturday morning we slept a little later than normal which was very nice. Made a nice breakfast and got ready to drive back down to Dan’s moms house….the traffic was not bad going down….I guess the cloudiness helped.
The house was a mess…..no floors, lots of fans blowing everywhere……not looking forward to the renovation process that is ahead…..I just hate going there. Dan did what he needed to do and we headed back north….no traffic which was great. I decided to surprise my sister Erika and take her out for dinner for her Birthday…..I felt terrible I missed her party with everyone. We had a nice bottle of wine, Italian dinner, dessert and conversation, it was great to see her and catch up.
Sunday we woke up to a beautiful, sunny day……absolutely great. I did my normal Sunday routine…..changing sheets, towels, cleaning and then got things packed to spend the rest of the day by the pool. It was quite by the pool which was nice…..Dan and I just laid out soaked in the rays…..we relaxed….it was great!!!!! Until Dan’s phone died and we had to go and get it fixed….so we killed three birds with one stone…..Got car washed, went to Ramsey Market for fruits and Vegatables, and got the phone fixed. Came home and made a nice summer dinner which we ate out on the deck……..A perfect end to a great and relaxing weekend.

I cannot begin to tell you what the last couple of days have been like……yes I can in two words “LIVING HELL”…..It has been absolutely brutal in every aspect, physically and mentally. I cannot even tell you what day it is,,,,,Everything is a big blur. Dan and I are so exhausted…..we are constantly running down to Toms River, taking care of his mother’s estate, probating the will, maintaining and cleaning out the house……It literally sucks…..I swear his mother has put a curse on us…..I should say Me, especially. (So far I have fallen badly and scraped my knees and hands going into the courthouse to probate the will). I have had real bad sugar lows….leaving me not knowing where I am and loosing hours of time during the day…..(which is a whole another can of worms….won’t go into detail…..but left me in a real bad situation)…..and almost giving Dan a heart attack……let’s say, I am just very lucky….it could have been real bad.

The latest thing was the last trip down to South Jersey…..just going to take pictures of furniture Dan was going to sell……we walk into his Mom’s house to find the whole house (ranch……all the carpets flooded in water and water running out of back of refrigerator causing the walls, floor and cabinets to be a sloggy mess). We had to get Service Pro to come, on an emergency evaluation to look over the damage…….needless to say…..another late night – did not get home till 12:30 pm……..just a nightmare. Of course by time I put everything away and got ready for bed it was 1:30……finally falling asleep around 2:00 getting up at 6:00 to start all over again. I think Dan is beginning to think his mother has put a curse on us…..nothing seems to go right or easy. And forget trying to relax……it is impossible.

Looking for to tomorrow – Friday, going to the Giant-Jet pre-season game….with an agent from our office and her husband….we are going to Tailgate before the game. Dan and I are so looking forward to having a good time with great people and good food and drinks……and a great game…….so excited!!!!! I get to wear my new jersey Dan got me. Hope the weather is good…….but then again ……after a few drinks ……who will notice the rain. Dan and I just need to have fun, be with good company…..just be normal, something that seems to be a differcult task to achieve.

Although it has been a short week in the office…..I am so grateful it is Friday. Woke up this morning feeling like I did not sleep in days (which I haven’t…having a hard time getting any sleep, getting up 2-3 times,,,with terrible stomach pains. I cannot wait to get back to my normal schedule of eating and exercising.
Have a lot to do around the house this weekend, the normal routine and the cleaning of the house is a must…..being away by Dan’s mom…..my house has been neglected…lots of dust bunnies, which are driving me crazy, have to food shop….refrigerator is empty and I have a mountain of laundry.
Hope fully there will be time to go to the pool and soak up some sun and just relax….and spend quite time with Dan……we need us time after a very stressful couple of weeks.

Yesterday was the first day back to work since Dan’s moms passing. Dan and I were overwhelmed by the tremendous kind words and support from the agents in our office and the company. It meant so much to Dan and me. I must say, the office is a great group of people with such big hearts, we are one big extended family. Dan returning to office was what Dan needed……I know the loss of his mom will always be there…and the pain will lessen as time goes on, but being back to work, doing what he loves to do is the best medicine for him. I just want to thank everyone, family, friends and our amazing office for all their thoughts and prayers.

August 10th, at between 4-6 am…….Dan’s mom passed. It is sad, but now she is at peace. It has been a very long and painful time for Dan……it kills me that he had to experience all the pain, hurt and stress by his mother’s actions and the people who were being paid to look out for her in her …….at least he was able to spend time with her. He was a good son to her, even though she hurt him terribly at times……He did not deserve to be treated in that fashion…..yes, we must move forward……but I had a hard time forgiving her for the pain she caused her son. It makes me sick to my stomach……but because I love Dan so much……I do not want to cause any problems/or bad feelings…..It is his mother. He is an amazing man, and has such a good heart…..despite her horrible actions and years of abuse to him growing up.
The last week has been so stressful. We have spent the last 10 days down the shore going to and from the hospital, being by his mother’s bedside…..arranging for her hospice care and 24/7 live in nurse aid. He had to change the locks on her house because she was afraid who had keys and was coming in to take her things, then landscaping of the grounds of his mom’s house because she asked him to make it all nice before she passes. she told him to clean out all of her personal thing in the house before she passed so other people would not go thru them so we spent hours doing so …etc., he made sure his mom’s wishes were kept till the end.

Well it seems Dan cannot get a break,,,,,,,he finally gets me back to some form a normal after all my problems last week, and then on Saturday we get a call from Dans mothers neighbor saying that she was brought to the hospital. After calling the hospital we rush down there to find she is in bad shape….problems with colon, pancreatic, irregular heartbeat……but most of all in stage five kidney failure.
Dan was beside himself and so upset he was never called…….and what he was to find out later was even more upsetting. The home aid helping his mom, was taking furniture, her belongings, sold her car……real bad scenario……she took Dan off having any decisions for her health…..real mess and cannot go into detail…..he was so hurt, it kills me…..but being the wonderful son and person he is……..he has been by his mothers side and has arranged for her care in her remaining time on earth. He is so good to her…..even though she has not been so nice to him in the last couple months ….he keeps saying she is my mother. And she has apologized for all the bad she has done 5 times a day the past few days which I am thankful for……..but I know this whole chain of events has him hurt and he is sad inside……..I know that nothing I say is going to make him feel better……I am amazed at the man he is and the good son he is…..after being hurt so bad.
We are just waiting for her to peacefully go…he is taking her home ….having hospice come in so she can die at home….not in the hospitaL as she wished. It is sad but at least Dan is meeting and following thru with her wishes… She told him “I WANT TO FADE AWAY…..I A’M TIRED AND JUST WANT TO GO!” They say any time now but who knows?

Had to wake up very early this morning to go into the city for a follow-up appointment with my doctor to review the results of the test he did……hopefully we do not hit to much traffic because that would be a total nightmare.
Well we got into the city without any problems….matter of fact we got in, found parking and had time to spare……allowing us to go a café we always wanted to try for breakfast. Walked over to the doctors office, there were two people before us….not bad, waited about half an hour to see him….so far things are going good. Inside, I am trying to think positive thoughts.
Finally, Dan and I are sitting across from the doctor, the moment of truth, he shakes his head and I knew it was not going to be good. He starts off with “Your sugar levels are off the charts the are all over the place, complete mess”. “Your body is highly stressed mentally and physically meaning my brain from the brain bleeds to due seizures and physically – your internal organs are working on overload from the pain and missing organs taxing the remaining ones and compensating for missing parts”. “We need to make sure when you have these extreme highs and lows you get stable quickly…..because this will cause more debilitating problems…..stroke, lose of mobility, speech, comma, etc”. We think your missing digestive system is what’s making everything worse lately” “I do not know what to say….you have been dealing with is for 10-11 years, you on bonus time and Dan has done an excellent job keeping you alive ……you are rare – not many like you in world the only one I ever treated………..keep doing what you are doing” “Come back every 4 weeks so I can chart what’s happening with you.” So after all the tests its the usual it is what it is nothing anyone can do. The charting of what’s happening to me over the years is for medical records since I’m a rare case. So every minute of every day is like a time bomb inside me, the next low or high could be my last if I’m lucky or worse then that it could be the one to make me lose speech or the ability to walk or use hands. So the positive I take out of this is like always, try not to sweat the small stuff, live each day like last, even though people mean well telling you “it will be ok”, it won’t but let them say it to make themselves feel good and live in denial. 🙂