Tag Archives: Weixeldorfer

Feeling Like Crap – Just Not In A Good Mood

I  woke today, it was beautiful and sunny, my head hurt but not as bad as it has been.  I got a decent nights sleep, no lows or problems, just got up 3-4 times which is actually good for me.  But I just feel so horrible, I ache and I am just not myself.

Sorry I have not written, just don’t have anything  positive to say.  I find that when I feel this way and you don’t have anything good to say,   I truly believe it is  best not to say anything.  Nobody wants to hear the same shit……..know one really cares, we all have our problems, so I have decided to suck it up and deal with it….(it is just easier to deal with the shit when you have a light at the end of the tunnel or a chance things will get better), and I know that it is not going to happen – not in my case and I know that.  But it does not hurt to  want and wish for better.  Anyway, just looking forward for the day to end, go to bed and go to sleep…….at least then I can dream of good things, like feeling better and not having this constant feeling of being a burden and abnormal. 

Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow in a better mood and have something  positive to say……..god knows I am tired of hearing myself -   I can only imagine how everyone feels listening to me……I really am not a Debbie Downer (I am normally positive – just in a bad rut), and I truely apologize.   Good night

Still Adjusting To Get It Right

Well, I knew it was not going to be easy, and it never will – but trying to get the correct dosages, timing, is so frustrating and aggreviating – up. down. up, down…..stable – not stable.  It is just frustrating and if I pull the tube in my stomach one more time – I just don’t have the patience the last few days – I know I have to give myself time to adjust…..I want it to be done already, I do not want to wait any more……But I know I am talking upon deaf ears.  So much for my positive attitude.  
Well,  there are two things that made me smile……going to see my nephew in the play Sousical, he was great in it, he was one of the monkies and did a fabulous job ( he was so excited that Dan and I came to see him) – also got to catch up with Karen (Dan’s sister) and Peter……it is hard to see them as much as Dan and I would like but they are in Ct., and  are always running around like us.  The second thing that brought a big smile to my face today was a flower arrangement from   Lauren and Jenny for Mother’s Day – I was so surprised  when I got the big box!- they were pretty purple and pink tulips in a very contemporary purple glass vase…….very nice Dan is so proud of them and so am I.   And also our  verygood friend Ronnie stopped by to see us ,  it was great to see him and talk.  I knew   Dan felt happy to see him, it has been awhile……Dan and I have not done much socializing, between me being sick, him sick, bills, series of things not going right…..just not the happiest people  and we just  stick to ourselves and try to get by.  I made a nice dinner for Dan and I, we had blow fish, it was the first time I made it and If I must say  so – It was really, really good. 

 Looking forward to sleeping late tomorrow. work out, go for  long walk with Dan (if weather permits), get my nails done (maybe) a     quiet day with my favorite man.     Gotta go work out now……the pool season  is =in 3 weeks. I have ALOT TO DO ON MY END.

What A Weekend

You know that old saying  “When shit happens, it really happens”  well, this weekend was one of those weekends.   It started early Saturday morning, I got up and Dan was still in bed, when I heard this loud,  tumbling sound in my  bedroom, I came running into the room, I thought something happened to Dan.  He was okay – just laying there with a look on his face, I asked him what was that noise, and he just pointed to my closet (a big 10ft closet).   Yes, my total closet had collapsed – everything had fallen off the walls, so bad I could not even get the door open.  So now all  the work I just did – rearranging the closet for change of seasons was a complete waste.   So Dan and I laughed (he teased and laughed – I wanted to cry, especially because this chore is my lease favorite one) we got dressed and headed to Home Depot to repair my closet,,,,,,In the back of my mind  – I had this big fear the other 8ft closet was next to go….So we decided to redo both of them (and a good thing – it was minutes from tearing from the wall).  So  that is what we did all weekend, and then we went for power walks for one hour each day, got plenty of fresh air, Dan did all the mulching, and I continue to do my weekend chores, and cooking.   I had several lows, one which was scary  for me, Dan was outside mulching and I dropped down to 29 and just could not get myself together to get help - it took me about 35 minutes to pull myself together and manage to get to Dan..  This reallly scared the hell out of me.  I was so sweaty and  disoriented,,,,,,I can not even tell you what I did before or during……not much , because I am still doing my closets.  Since that low, I have had a terrible headache that will not go away and my stomach is constantly upset, everything I eat hurts.  It just sucks!!!  I feel I am in slow motion.

Today,  started a new week, I still have the symptoms from the last bad sugar low.  I do not get it, my sugar is all over and I just feel so off.  I find myself coming out of lows that I did not know were happening and when I catch them- I can not recall what I was doing before.  I really  feel like I am loosing my mind completely – I am afraid to speak at times – because I have a hard time finding the words to express my thoughts…..not to mentioned feeling miserable mentally, physically, and appearance – forget that – another mess; between my face being puffy,  eyes tearing……the word UGLY fits.  But I guess I should not complain – as people tell me, you are alive……my answer – great,   be me for a couple of days, or even one and see how lucky you  feel.   I am sorry – I am just venting.  Tomorrow will be better I hope……..going to be trained on new pump.

A Terrible Feeling Of Fear

I woke this morning and I have had this haunting feeling of fear and depression (not to mention my normal aches and pains).  I guess the weather is not helping, it is dreary and the thunder is roaring loud , and it is pouring outside cats and dogs.  I am looking out the window, listening to Dan talk to clients, trying to solve problems with their real estate deals, and them complaining about situations in their lives, little things.  I sit here and think, what if they were in our situation.  I mean we have people complaining to us that something like their dog peaed on the floor, or they have to hang a picture, etc……..the world is coming to end for them,   SHIT – LISTEN TO  YOURSELVES,  if that is a problem, I will take it in a heartbeat. 

What would they do if they were in our shape……having no savings or money to pay bills, due to the  constant medical issues – which will never end,  lack of business because real estate is slow,  worried about loosing our house, lack of health insurance for Dan, etc….I could go on, but we keep going and we never let on.  God I just want jump into on-coming traffic if I could get the nerve too.  I know we all have problems, and they are big to us,  but believe me they are really not that bad……there is others that have it worse……be thankful for what you have and especially if you have your health.  That is the key, without it, life really does suck, the pain, worries and side-effects are always haunting and diablilitating.   Trust me, I know.   I guess I am just venting,  I am frustrated and tired of struggling and seeing my rock, beating himself up trying.  We just never get a break – even a little one.   I thought putting this into words would make me feel a little better emotionally – well it didn’t…….I think I have depressed myself even more.  Well that really sucked, this writting is suppose to help me - Good job Kris.

Just Don’t Get It

I just don’t get …….Again today another low, at least this time we caught it before it went to a seizure……..I am so done with this,  totally discussed that know matter how hard I try and keep my blood checked it still swings this bad.   Even the beautiful weather it could not change how depressed I am……..On that note,  my only choices are to give up or try again tomorrow.

Did I Say Nightmare!!!!

Monday was going to be a very busy, long,  and pressure filled day.  Dan and I had to drive to Toms River, pick his parents up (getting them into car was a task), drive back up to Wayne to the wake of family friend, then get them back into the  car, and drive them back to Toms River, get them  food, and finally go back to Mahwah.  Well everything was going as planned, until on the way home to Tom River, I had a very bad sugar low, and was on the verge of a seizure.  Dan was not able to reach me to prevent it, I was sitting in the back with his father, (mother in front with him because she cannot get into the truck)…..so he did not see the signs…..which of course resulted in total Chaos.   Dan had to pull off the side of the road to help me…. his parents tried to help (the father tried- and his mother thought she was, but made matters worse…..whereupon Dan and her got into it).  After I was stable enough Dan dropped his parents home, and we went to get them food……I had no clue what happened and Dan filled me in.   I felt so embarrassed that his parents witness the situation and that Dan had to deal with this.  I just want to go home and hide.  We ate with his parents,…..very quite/ not much conversation,  Dan’s mother was upset with him – because he yelled at her; so we made sure they were settled and got back in the car and headed north one more time.   Dan is a true saint and great son to his parents……I just hope they know that.

Managed to get home without any other problems, just felt embarrassed and sick from the seizure… my balance was off….and so was my speech.  It was a quiet ride home and a total night mare of a day.  I went straight to bed….hoping tomorrow would be better.

Easter Sunday

I am sure glad the Easter Bunny did not come to my house last night…. He would have been in for a big surprise.   Apparently I had a very bad sugar low and seizure.   I would not drink the glucose shots for Dan and I was falling all over the  place.   This morning I woke with  a terrible head and stomach ache and my legs are so sore to stand up.       Dan said I kept saying my legs were missing during the seizure……..All I know is, god they hurt, and  I am glad I do not have to let on to anyone in the family how bad I feel…….I know Dan knows because he was there, but how I really feel after this low, worse than I have ever felt.  So when he said lets go for a walk, I wanted to just die, but I did not  want to mess up his day, (god only knows I did the nite before), so I put my sneakers on  and went for an 1.5 hour   walk with him.  I made it  – even though it was killing me inside, I would not let him know…..and I am glad, I at least overcame and accomplished something.

It is very quite here, Dan is  watching basketball, and I am going to make dinner – a salad.  That was what he wanted. Dan  is truly a great guy, I just wish he did not have to suffer thru this with me.  I made my calls to my family, to wish everyone a good day……I miss them, but I just am not into talking with people and pretending that everything is great when it is really, really, bad.  And no relief insight.

After dinner, I plan on   just sitting in front of the TV after I work out…..and just veg.  I need to get a good night sleep without any problems, I have a big day  tomorrow – Dan and I have to pick up his parents in Toms River, drive them to Wayne – their friends funeral, and then drive them   back to Toms  River and then finally come home.  God help me  not have any problems.

Totally Weird

Totally weird start to the day.  Woke up this morning feeling really weird, my stomach was more upset than usual and I just felt shaky.  I thought it would past, so I decided to skip my  exercise routine (do it later today) and got ready to run  around with  Dan on appointments and errands ;  the next thing I remember is Dan making me drink glucose shots.  I apparently had a bad sugar low - it was only 10:20 in the morning.   I just don’t get it.  I don’t remember anything leading up to the low or anything much after.   So of course this changed my plans for the day, because now I am feeling shitty  and worse than before.  

Finally, after re-grouping, I got myself together, finished getting dressed and ready to go out with Dan (that man is a saint)…..we were able to accomplish all the things we needed to get done (despite the  fact that my head still feels like it is going to explode and I just feel so unsure of things, my thoughts and speaking – so I apologize if my thoughts are scattered).  I managed to work out on my ball…..only did half the sit-ups…better than nothing.  I can’t wait to go to bed and end this day.

New Day But Nothing Changes

Okay,  it is Monday, the beginning of a new week, the past should be the past, and a fresh start right?.  It just doesn’t work out that way for me. My life is like  the movie Groundhog Day. no matter what I try to change the day still ends the same way. Its just a bad ride that doesn’t seem to end. “they” say BE  POSITIVE….THINK POSITIVE but “they are not me and I’m gettin tired of hearing “them”.   That is what I have tried t do for the past few years. All the prayers and well wishes don’t work so what is left? I feel like crap  today and feel like a puff ball, retaining fluids from the last seizure but whats the difference the next seizure is right around the corner waiting to happen and make me feel bad again.  Just  want to feel no more pain both in my body and in my heart. How can anyone stand me when I can’t stand myself?  The doctors tell me that stress is bad for me and helps contribute to my seizures How come they can’t tell me how to fix my daily stress??? Have alot of things to do, but getting off to a slow start. I’m at the point were I don’t care if things take longer to get done. Easter is this weekend and I really don’t want to go any where and see anyone. Maybe just stay around house. Dan is checking to see what the girls are doing but he thinks they have plans.

Bad Ending To A Nice Evening

Well, so much for a nice evening with husband and sister.  After I posted my blog, I straighten up a little and went to bed.  Next thing I know, I woke in the morning with a really bad headache, every bone in my body hurt and a horrible pain in my stomach; on my night stand were two empty glucose bottles, and I was not in the same closes as I went to bed in, and my hair  was in ringlets (which is from sweating so bad)……that  was a sure sign there was a problem during the night.  Of course I do not remember anything, just feel the aftermath.  I can also tell by - Dan is very quite and distant…….he did not get much sleep I’m sure and I probably gave him a hard time drinking the glucose.   I feel horrible, physically, mentally unstable, and emotionally I am a wreck.  It kills me that Dan has to take care of me and I  put him thru this…..all I can say is I am sorry.  He never once said to me anything went wrong or what happened he just did what he needed to to help me and that was that and acted like nothing happened. I really want to say to him……”just let me go, don’t help me…..please”.  But that is another wish, along with winning the lottery that will never come true.  I can only hope but I know Dan won’t help me with that wish that one is in my hands.   Dan if I have not said it for the millionth time, I AM SO SORRY AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!Have a lot to do today, although  I’m feeling  shakey  – have errands and appts. to go on with Dan and hopefully come home with out any problems and relax.  Wish me luck.