Tag Archives: Pancreas

Bad Night

Yes, another real bad night……full blown mess.  Woke up feeling worse than ever, and in different clothes which mean it was bad and  Dan had to get me in shower and then redress me. I woke up on couch all bundled up in blankets and Dan slepping next to me. He said it happened at 1:00AM and that he got me to bed by 3:30 AM and then he cleaned up and got to bed at 4:30 AM and we got up at 7:00AM…  I am so tired of this…..I hope this pump will help  or I do not know what Iwill do……Just am so tired of the whole situation.  I keep trying to keep a positive attitude, in hopes that things will change and they just keep getting worse.  My heart breaks everytime I look into Dan’s eyes…..how much more can he take.  I don’t know how much more I can either.

What A Weekend

You know that old saying  “When shit happens, it really happens”  well, this weekend was one of those weekends.   It started early Saturday morning, I got up and Dan was still in bed, when I heard this loud,  tumbling sound in my  bedroom, I came running into the room, I thought something happened to Dan.  He was okay – just laying there with a look on his face, I asked him what was that noise, and he just pointed to my closet (a big 10ft closet).   Yes, my total closet had collapsed – everything had fallen off the walls, so bad I could not even get the door open.  So now all  the work I just did – rearranging the closet for change of seasons was a complete waste.   So Dan and I laughed (he teased and laughed – I wanted to cry, especially because this chore is my lease favorite one) we got dressed and headed to Home Depot to repair my closet,,,,,,In the back of my mind  – I had this big fear the other 8ft closet was next to go….So we decided to redo both of them (and a good thing – it was minutes from tearing from the wall).  So  that is what we did all weekend, and then we went for power walks for one hour each day, got plenty of fresh air, Dan did all the mulching, and I continue to do my weekend chores, and cooking.   I had several lows, one which was scary  for me, Dan was outside mulching and I dropped down to 29 and just could not get myself together to get help - it took me about 35 minutes to pull myself together and manage to get to Dan..  This reallly scared the hell out of me.  I was so sweaty and  disoriented,,,,,,I can not even tell you what I did before or during……not much , because I am still doing my closets.  Since that low, I have had a terrible headache that will not go away and my stomach is constantly upset, everything I eat hurts.  It just sucks!!!  I feel I am in slow motion.

Today,  started a new week, I still have the symptoms from the last bad sugar low.  I do not get it, my sugar is all over and I just feel so off.  I find myself coming out of lows that I did not know were happening and when I catch them- I can not recall what I was doing before.  I really  feel like I am loosing my mind completely – I am afraid to speak at times – because I have a hard time finding the words to express my thoughts…..not to mentioned feeling miserable mentally, physically, and appearance – forget that – another mess; between my face being puffy,  eyes tearing……the word UGLY fits.  But I guess I should not complain – as people tell me, you are alive……my answer – great,   be me for a couple of days, or even one and see how lucky you  feel.   I am sorry – I am just venting.  Tomorrow will be better I hope……..going to be trained on new pump.

Did I Say Nightmare!!!!

Monday was going to be a very busy, long,  and pressure filled day.  Dan and I had to drive to Toms River, pick his parents up (getting them into car was a task), drive back up to Wayne to the wake of family friend, then get them back into the  car, and drive them back to Toms River, get them  food, and finally go back to Mahwah.  Well everything was going as planned, until on the way home to Tom River, I had a very bad sugar low, and was on the verge of a seizure.  Dan was not able to reach me to prevent it, I was sitting in the back with his father, (mother in front with him because she cannot get into the truck)…..so he did not see the signs…..which of course resulted in total Chaos.   Dan had to pull off the side of the road to help me…. his parents tried to help (the father tried- and his mother thought she was, but made matters worse…..whereupon Dan and her got into it).  After I was stable enough Dan dropped his parents home, and we went to get them food……I had no clue what happened and Dan filled me in.   I felt so embarrassed that his parents witness the situation and that Dan had to deal with this.  I just want to go home and hide.  We ate with his parents,…..very quite/ not much conversation,  Dan’s mother was upset with him – because he yelled at her; so we made sure they were settled and got back in the car and headed north one more time.   Dan is a true saint and great son to his parents……I just hope they know that.

Managed to get home without any other problems, just felt embarrassed and sick from the seizure… my balance was off….and so was my speech.  It was a quiet ride home and a total night mare of a day.  I went straight to bed….hoping tomorrow would be better.

Just Very Sad

Just one of those days that I just want to cry.  Woke this morning just feeling very sad, just wanted to stay in bed.  My head has been killing me since I woke, my sugar is very high and not  coming down, and it is dreary outside which does not make matters better.  Nothing good is happening…..oh, I finally got my clothes changed over and put the winter in storage.  That is a major accomplishment, did it in just two days, it usually takes me weeks (2)   from start to end.  Making dinner and just going to watch TV…..maybe rent a movie.  Just not in  good spirits and neither is Dan.  Tomorrow is Easter, and we are not going anywhere (was Invited to Erika’s ) but we are not in the best of moods to see people and why should we make them miserable.   So we are going to spend Easter  alone by ourselves…….I am not a big fan of Easter  any- although I am a big Peeps and Robin Egg lover.  You know I am depressed when I didn’t even by them.  Maybe if the sun comes out tomorrow we will go for a long walk……If not I will work out as usual. Well, to everyone celebrating  HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Totally Weird

Totally weird start to the day.  Woke up this morning feeling really weird, my stomach was more upset than usual and I just felt shaky.  I thought it would past, so I decided to skip my  exercise routine (do it later today) and got ready to run  around with  Dan on appointments and errands ;  the next thing I remember is Dan making me drink glucose shots.  I apparently had a bad sugar low - it was only 10:20 in the morning.   I just don’t get it.  I don’t remember anything leading up to the low or anything much after.   So of course this changed my plans for the day, because now I am feeling shitty  and worse than before.  

Finally, after re-grouping, I got myself together, finished getting dressed and ready to go out with Dan (that man is a saint)…..we were able to accomplish all the things we needed to get done (despite the  fact that my head still feels like it is going to explode and I just feel so unsure of things, my thoughts and speaking – so I apologize if my thoughts are scattered).  I managed to work out on my ball…..only did half the sit-ups…better than nothing.  I can’t wait to go to bed and end this day.

Nothing Good

Things just seem to be getting worse, now Dan has no insurance…..he gave it up – so we could pay for the medical supplies.   It is getting to the point that trying to have a positive attitude is getting harder and harder.  I look into Dans eyes and all I see is stress and  worry, I am so afraid that he is just going to explode.  Well the day is crappy weather wise, and as for me and how I feel, don’t bother , I am ready for the day to be done and it just started.  Just so worried  what we are going to do.

I am sitting here, and all I want to do is cry……I am so scared and worried about everything, but most of all Dan.   He is trying so hard to keep things together, but I think we are at the end.  It kills me to see the saddness in his eyes.  I think of all we have been through together, probably more bad things in the last 10 years together, then most experience in a life time, but there is only so much one can take.  And I think we are at our end…….there is nothing left.  Dan I am so sorry for all this.

I told Dan not to read my blog anymore, because I do not want to upset him…….so hopefully he listens to me for once,  I do not want him to feel any worse than he already does.  But just in case he does not listen to my request……………DAN, I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING A BURDEN TO YOU, I WISH MORE THAN  ANYTHING I WAS NORMAL AND NOT SO SICK, AND COULD MAKE THINGS EASIER……..I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND TRULY THANKFULL YOU ARE MY HUSBAND.

New Day But Nothing Changes

Okay,  it is Monday, the beginning of a new week, the past should be the past, and a fresh start right?.  It just doesn’t work out that way for me. My life is like  the movie Groundhog Day. no matter what I try to change the day still ends the same way. Its just a bad ride that doesn’t seem to end. “they” say BE  POSITIVE….THINK POSITIVE but “they are not me and I’m gettin tired of hearing “them”.   That is what I have tried t do for the past few years. All the prayers and well wishes don’t work so what is left? I feel like crap  today and feel like a puff ball, retaining fluids from the last seizure but whats the difference the next seizure is right around the corner waiting to happen and make me feel bad again.  Just  want to feel no more pain both in my body and in my heart. How can anyone stand me when I can’t stand myself?  The doctors tell me that stress is bad for me and helps contribute to my seizures How come they can’t tell me how to fix my daily stress??? Have alot of things to do, but getting off to a slow start. I’m at the point were I don’t care if things take longer to get done. Easter is this weekend and I really don’t want to go any where and see anyone. Maybe just stay around house. Dan is checking to see what the girls are doing but he thinks they have plans.

Bad Ending To A Nice Evening

Well, so much for a nice evening with husband and sister.  After I posted my blog, I straighten up a little and went to bed.  Next thing I know, I woke in the morning with a really bad headache, every bone in my body hurt and a horrible pain in my stomach; on my night stand were two empty glucose bottles, and I was not in the same closes as I went to bed in, and my hair  was in ringlets (which is from sweating so bad)……that  was a sure sign there was a problem during the night.  Of course I do not remember anything, just feel the aftermath.  I can also tell by - Dan is very quite and distant…….he did not get much sleep I’m sure and I probably gave him a hard time drinking the glucose.   I feel horrible, physically, mentally unstable, and emotionally I am a wreck.  It kills me that Dan has to take care of me and I  put him thru this…..all I can say is I am sorry.  He never once said to me anything went wrong or what happened he just did what he needed to to help me and that was that and acted like nothing happened. I really want to say to him……”just let me go, don’t help me…..please”.  But that is another wish, along with winning the lottery that will never come true.  I can only hope but I know Dan won’t help me with that wish that one is in my hands.   Dan if I have not said it for the millionth time, I AM SO SORRY AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!Have a lot to do today, although  I’m feeling  shakey  – have errands and appts. to go on with Dan and hopefully come home with out any problems and relax.  Wish me luck.

The Small Things That Matter

Had a nice relaxing evening so far……made dinner for Dan and my sister Erika came over to just hang out with us (chicken with  rice and salad)    We then all watched the movie  on cable “The Hangover”  it is a great movie, Dan and I saw it before, Erika never did……it was fun,  had us laughing from the beginnning to end…..Bradley Cooper is just eye candy… yummy for the eyes…….It was a real nice evening….I had a sugar low (caught before my sister got to the house) but it was a pleasure after last night…..I accomplished  watching the whole movie without a problem and remembering what I saw is a good thing….now I hope to get thru the night into the morning….. busy day ahead.  Got all the winter clothes out of the drawers and closets ….yes, I am on a role, now to pack them away and put summer out.  Good night I hope!

Holy Crap – Major Melt Down

I woke this morning not knowing where I was or how I got to bed, the last thing I remember was going for a walk with Dan.  I had a real bad sugar low, then seizure and Dan manage to stabilize me.   So when I got home from my walk  I went to write  on my blog,  I realize that I definitely had a problem, as my last entry shows……Holy Crap – I am so embarrassed, not only do I not remember the whole evening from the walk on, my brain had a major melt down, as you can see on my last entry.  I don’t remember writing, and my typing/spelling  as well as thought process was shot…..Don’t ask me what I was trying to say.  

This is why the  new sensor they came out with  is so important……it would detect a pattern in  my sugar moving in the wrong direction up to 45 min. in advance of me having a problem and set an alarm off so I could get sugar into me and turn pump off…….now I don’t even feel it coming on ( I use to)……and if I do it is to late cause I can’t express it.  I feel so stupid and mad writing the way I did last night on here…….All I can say is I am sorry.  I should just paste  a sign on my back “I am sorry in advance”.

Well, I can not change things…..just move on and hope another episode does not take place today and I get a days break. It’s the back to back one that really do damage to my brain. Dan is even more upset then me because he feels bad when he can’t catch it in time. Now he is telling me that he is going to get that sensor one way or another in the next month or so. I reminded him that the sensor is a one time fee  and the supplies are what will just be another monthly bill we don’t need or can afford.  Well….. I have  a lot to do, weekend cleaning and chores, change over clothes from winter to summer (how I hate that job), run errands with Dan,  and try to keep a smile my on face,  when all I want to do is cry with my head pounding ( I will have that for the next few days after a seizure).  Oh well, better get started. One of our friends told Dan and I about a neighbor that killed herself the other day by sitting in the car with it running and the garage door shut. Dan felt so bad for the woman that she had no other choice but to do that…….I felt good for the woman because I know how it feels to not want to be around any longer and be a financial burden on my family.  Why should Dan loss everything  he worked so hard for in life and have suck a stress daily life? I was jealous of the woman who ended it all.