Tag Archives: Mahwah NJ

Feeling Like Crap – Just Not In A Good Mood

I  woke today, it was beautiful and sunny, my head hurt but not as bad as it has been.  I got a decent nights sleep, no lows or problems, just got up 3-4 times which is actually good for me.  But I just feel so horrible, I ache and I am just not myself.

Sorry I have not written, just don’t have anything  positive to say.  I find that when I feel this way and you don’t have anything good to say,   I truly believe it is  best not to say anything.  Nobody wants to hear the same shit……..know one really cares, we all have our problems, so I have decided to suck it up and deal with it….(it is just easier to deal with the shit when you have a light at the end of the tunnel or a chance things will get better), and I know that it is not going to happen – not in my case and I know that.  But it does not hurt to  want and wish for better.  Anyway, just looking forward for the day to end, go to bed and go to sleep…….at least then I can dream of good things, like feeling better and not having this constant feeling of being a burden and abnormal. 

Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow in a better mood and have something  positive to say……..god knows I am tired of hearing myself -   I can only imagine how everyone feels listening to me……I really am not a Debbie Downer (I am normally positive – just in a bad rut), and I truely apologize.   Good night

Still Adjusting To Get It Right

Well, I knew it was not going to be easy, and it never will – but trying to get the correct dosages, timing, is so frustrating and aggreviating – up. down. up, down…..stable – not stable.  It is just frustrating and if I pull the tube in my stomach one more time – I just don’t have the patience the last few days – I know I have to give myself time to adjust…..I want it to be done already, I do not want to wait any more……But I know I am talking upon deaf ears.  So much for my positive attitude.  
Well,  there are two things that made me smile……going to see my nephew in the play Sousical, he was great in it, he was one of the monkies and did a fabulous job ( he was so excited that Dan and I came to see him) – also got to catch up with Karen (Dan’s sister) and Peter……it is hard to see them as much as Dan and I would like but they are in Ct., and  are always running around like us.  The second thing that brought a big smile to my face today was a flower arrangement from   Lauren and Jenny for Mother’s Day – I was so surprised  when I got the big box!- they were pretty purple and pink tulips in a very contemporary purple glass vase…….very nice Dan is so proud of them and so am I.   And also our  verygood friend Ronnie stopped by to see us ,  it was great to see him and talk.  I knew   Dan felt happy to see him, it has been awhile……Dan and I have not done much socializing, between me being sick, him sick, bills, series of things not going right…..just not the happiest people  and we just  stick to ourselves and try to get by.  I made a nice dinner for Dan and I, we had blow fish, it was the first time I made it and If I must say  so – It was really, really good. 

 Looking forward to sleeping late tomorrow. work out, go for  long walk with Dan (if weather permits), get my nails done (maybe) a     quiet day with my favorite man.     Gotta go work out now……the pool season  is =in 3 weeks. I have ALOT TO DO ON MY END.

New Pump, New Day, And New Attitude

Today was a big day, I went into the city to be trained on the new pump.  I was already exhausted before the day has even started.  I had another real bad low – seizure, it started around 1:00 pm and I finally went to sleep around 3:30; poor Dan did not get to sleep until 4:30 (stayed up to make sure I was stable) and then we had to get up at 7:00 and out of the house around 9:00.  We ran around most of the morning and afternoon – did errands and Dan had work to accomplish before heading into the city for my doctors appointment.  The training was a long process, they also put a glucose sensor (not expecting that – another device inserted on the other side of my stomach) to monitor the sugars while getting the amounts of insulin   administered  and the reactions, the dosages, highs, lows etc……a computerized print out.  I have to keep the monitor on until next week.  I am amazed that I was able to go the whole day running, overcome the multiple lows and seizure from the night before……kept going after the side effects, shakey, aches and pains,etc and made it home without collapsing, the doctor/training appt did not end until 10:00 pm and did not get home till   10:45.  Then  I had to make lunch and dinner for the next morning to bring to Dan’s parents.

My sugars are all over right now – adjusting and I am not use to having all these devices and tubes hanging on me.  My sides are killing me – I have to get use to it.  But it is better than giving myself the shots (10-15 injections- plus finger pricking of 20 times) now it is just one big pain on my side – which is the pump (change every 2 days) and the finger pricks.  I have to be happy about that……I just hope this helps……………I know I will never get better, but this will lessen the pain in my arms and legs (where I give the injections – now they are so sore – doing this every day for the last 6-7 years)……It has to be better – New attitude.  Yes – Positive thinking. 

Wed:

It was a long day, just got home from Dan’s parents…..God, Dan is such a good person, wonderful son (they are so lucky to have such a loving and caring son) and most of all the absolutely best husband in the  world…..and I truly mean that.  I can not express how lucky and greatful I am…………..Thank you baby, you are my rock and I love you to death….this may sound corny and I may say it all the time…..I don’t care – I can not say it enough.  You complete me.  I love you so much!!!

On this note – I am going to bed…..I will start my new attitude tomorrow .

Bad Night

Yes, another real bad night……full blown mess.  Woke up feeling worse than ever, and in different clothes which mean it was bad and  Dan had to get me in shower and then redress me. I woke up on couch all bundled up in blankets and Dan slepping next to me. He said it happened at 1:00AM and that he got me to bed by 3:30 AM and then he cleaned up and got to bed at 4:30 AM and we got up at 7:00AM…  I am so tired of this…..I hope this pump will help  or I do not know what Iwill do……Just am so tired of the whole situation.  I keep trying to keep a positive attitude, in hopes that things will change and they just keep getting worse.  My heart breaks everytime I look into Dan’s eyes…..how much more can he take.  I don’t know how much more I can either.

What A Weekend

You know that old saying  “When shit happens, it really happens”  well, this weekend was one of those weekends.   It started early Saturday morning, I got up and Dan was still in bed, when I heard this loud,  tumbling sound in my  bedroom, I came running into the room, I thought something happened to Dan.  He was okay – just laying there with a look on his face, I asked him what was that noise, and he just pointed to my closet (a big 10ft closet).   Yes, my total closet had collapsed – everything had fallen off the walls, so bad I could not even get the door open.  So now all  the work I just did – rearranging the closet for change of seasons was a complete waste.   So Dan and I laughed (he teased and laughed – I wanted to cry, especially because this chore is my lease favorite one) we got dressed and headed to Home Depot to repair my closet,,,,,,In the back of my mind  – I had this big fear the other 8ft closet was next to go….So we decided to redo both of them (and a good thing – it was minutes from tearing from the wall).  So  that is what we did all weekend, and then we went for power walks for one hour each day, got plenty of fresh air, Dan did all the mulching, and I continue to do my weekend chores, and cooking.   I had several lows, one which was scary  for me, Dan was outside mulching and I dropped down to 29 and just could not get myself together to get help - it took me about 35 minutes to pull myself together and manage to get to Dan..  This reallly scared the hell out of me.  I was so sweaty and  disoriented,,,,,,I can not even tell you what I did before or during……not much , because I am still doing my closets.  Since that low, I have had a terrible headache that will not go away and my stomach is constantly upset, everything I eat hurts.  It just sucks!!!  I feel I am in slow motion.

Today,  started a new week, I still have the symptoms from the last bad sugar low.  I do not get it, my sugar is all over and I just feel so off.  I find myself coming out of lows that I did not know were happening and when I catch them- I can not recall what I was doing before.  I really  feel like I am loosing my mind completely – I am afraid to speak at times – because I have a hard time finding the words to express my thoughts…..not to mentioned feeling miserable mentally, physically, and appearance – forget that – another mess; between my face being puffy,  eyes tearing……the word UGLY fits.  But I guess I should not complain – as people tell me, you are alive……my answer – great,   be me for a couple of days, or even one and see how lucky you  feel.   I am sorry – I am just venting.  Tomorrow will be better I hope……..going to be trained on new pump.

A Terrible Feeling Of Fear

I woke this morning and I have had this haunting feeling of fear and depression (not to mention my normal aches and pains).  I guess the weather is not helping, it is dreary and the thunder is roaring loud , and it is pouring outside cats and dogs.  I am looking out the window, listening to Dan talk to clients, trying to solve problems with their real estate deals, and them complaining about situations in their lives, little things.  I sit here and think, what if they were in our situation.  I mean we have people complaining to us that something like their dog peaed on the floor, or they have to hang a picture, etc……..the world is coming to end for them,   SHIT – LISTEN TO  YOURSELVES,  if that is a problem, I will take it in a heartbeat. 

What would they do if they were in our shape……having no savings or money to pay bills, due to the  constant medical issues – which will never end,  lack of business because real estate is slow,  worried about loosing our house, lack of health insurance for Dan, etc….I could go on, but we keep going and we never let on.  God I just want jump into on-coming traffic if I could get the nerve too.  I know we all have problems, and they are big to us,  but believe me they are really not that bad……there is others that have it worse……be thankful for what you have and especially if you have your health.  That is the key, without it, life really does suck, the pain, worries and side-effects are always haunting and diablilitating.   Trust me, I know.   I guess I am just venting,  I am frustrated and tired of struggling and seeing my rock, beating himself up trying.  We just never get a break – even a little one.   I thought putting this into words would make me feel a little better emotionally – well it didn’t…….I think I have depressed myself even more.  Well that really sucked, this writting is suppose to help me - Good job Kris.

A Readers Note To Me

 I received this letter in a comment to one of my posts and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Kris, I have read your story and your blog over the last 30 days and my heart goes out to you and Dan. I currently live in Chicago but use to live in New York with my wife and 3 children. My wife was stricken with a rare brain cancer 9 years ago and we saw every doctor in the city that we could for help. We tried lots of things that insurance didn’t cover and we had to go bankrupt and sell our house that was not the bad part to my story. I was ok with losing everything I wasn’t ok with losing my wife.  Seven years ago I came home from the food market to find my wife dead. I had only left her an hour. In the days to come I found out that she had killed herself.  She had told me over those past 2 years dealing with the cancer that she didn’t want to ruin my life with all her pain and financially ruin our family. When we used the girl’s college funds to pay for expenses she was so depressed. Well Kris she gave up thinking it would be best for me. From that day on for the next 4 years my life has spiraled out of control. From drinking, to  prescription drugs to street drugs to being homeless. Today I can tell you that my life has turned around and I am off the street and  I have a small 1 br apartment and my girls are starting to be back in my life. I am work again as a deli manager. My career before my wife was sick was trader on the floor of the stock exchange. I could have dealt with my wife passing. I could have dealt with losing our house and material thing.  But I couldn’t deal with her killing herself. I blamed myself for that. I wanted to share my story with you because I see that you don’t want to press on in your fight and you feel like you are dragging your husband under. Trust me when I tell you from being on his side he doesn’t care! Let him keep fighting to find you help and family and friends will try and help you financially, don’t be too proud to except help from family, friends and strangers. My wife and I were too proud to except help and that was a big mistake. I don’t know if you believe in god or not but that doesn’t matter. Believe in people, your friends and family. I will be keeping my eye on you via this blog so please don’t give up the fight.

R. Fallon

Just Don’t Get It

I just don’t get …….Again today another low, at least this time we caught it before it went to a seizure……..I am so done with this,  totally discussed that know matter how hard I try and keep my blood checked it still swings this bad.   Even the beautiful weather it could not change how depressed I am……..On that note,  my only choices are to give up or try again tomorrow.

New Day But Nothing Changes

Okay,  it is Monday, the beginning of a new week, the past should be the past, and a fresh start right?.  It just doesn’t work out that way for me. My life is like  the movie Groundhog Day. no matter what I try to change the day still ends the same way. Its just a bad ride that doesn’t seem to end. “they” say BE  POSITIVE….THINK POSITIVE but “they are not me and I’m gettin tired of hearing “them”.   That is what I have tried t do for the past few years. All the prayers and well wishes don’t work so what is left? I feel like crap  today and feel like a puff ball, retaining fluids from the last seizure but whats the difference the next seizure is right around the corner waiting to happen and make me feel bad again.  Just  want to feel no more pain both in my body and in my heart. How can anyone stand me when I can’t stand myself?  The doctors tell me that stress is bad for me and helps contribute to my seizures How come they can’t tell me how to fix my daily stress??? Have alot of things to do, but getting off to a slow start. I’m at the point were I don’t care if things take longer to get done. Easter is this weekend and I really don’t want to go any where and see anyone. Maybe just stay around house. Dan is checking to see what the girls are doing but he thinks they have plans.

The Small Things That Matter

Had a nice relaxing evening so far……made dinner for Dan and my sister Erika came over to just hang out with us (chicken with  rice and salad)    We then all watched the movie  on cable “The Hangover”  it is a great movie, Dan and I saw it before, Erika never did……it was fun,  had us laughing from the beginnning to end…..Bradley Cooper is just eye candy… yummy for the eyes…….It was a real nice evening….I had a sugar low (caught before my sister got to the house) but it was a pleasure after last night…..I accomplished  watching the whole movie without a problem and remembering what I saw is a good thing….now I hope to get thru the night into the morning….. busy day ahead.  Got all the winter clothes out of the drawers and closets ….yes, I am on a role, now to pack them away and put summer out.  Good night I hope!