Tag Archives: Kris’s blog

Feeling Like Crap – Just Not In A Good Mood

I  woke today, it was beautiful and sunny, my head hurt but not as bad as it has been.  I got a decent nights sleep, no lows or problems, just got up 3-4 times which is actually good for me.  But I just feel so horrible, I ache and I am just not myself.

Sorry I have not written, just don’t have anything  positive to say.  I find that when I feel this way and you don’t have anything good to say,   I truly believe it is  best not to say anything.  Nobody wants to hear the same shit……..know one really cares, we all have our problems, so I have decided to suck it up and deal with it….(it is just easier to deal with the shit when you have a light at the end of the tunnel or a chance things will get better), and I know that it is not going to happen – not in my case and I know that.  But it does not hurt to  want and wish for better.  Anyway, just looking forward for the day to end, go to bed and go to sleep…….at least then I can dream of good things, like feeling better and not having this constant feeling of being a burden and abnormal. 

Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow in a better mood and have something  positive to say……..god knows I am tired of hearing myself -   I can only imagine how everyone feels listening to me……I really am not a Debbie Downer (I am normally positive – just in a bad rut), and I truely apologize.   Good night

Just Want To Say Thanks

I just want to say Thank you to a very special man in my life.  This man is my hero,  my inspiration and best friend, he is my rock and lover.  Thank you for making mothers day special…….I can not tell you how much I love you – there are no words that can express how much.  And although I may not act it, and get frustrated, and take it out on you…….I truly appreciate all you do for me and the patience you have when I am not so nice (when I am not me)…..I just wanted to say that,  every day is special  because of you.  I love you and thanks again.

Still Adjusting To Get It Right

Well, I knew it was not going to be easy, and it never will – but trying to get the correct dosages, timing, is so frustrating and aggreviating – up. down. up, down…..stable – not stable.  It is just frustrating and if I pull the tube in my stomach one more time – I just don’t have the patience the last few days – I know I have to give myself time to adjust…..I want it to be done already, I do not want to wait any more……But I know I am talking upon deaf ears.  So much for my positive attitude.  
Well,  there are two things that made me smile……going to see my nephew in the play Sousical, he was great in it, he was one of the monkies and did a fabulous job ( he was so excited that Dan and I came to see him) – also got to catch up with Karen (Dan’s sister) and Peter……it is hard to see them as much as Dan and I would like but they are in Ct., and  are always running around like us.  The second thing that brought a big smile to my face today was a flower arrangement from   Lauren and Jenny for Mother’s Day – I was so surprised  when I got the big box!- they were pretty purple and pink tulips in a very contemporary purple glass vase…….very nice Dan is so proud of them and so am I.   And also our  verygood friend Ronnie stopped by to see us ,  it was great to see him and talk.  I knew   Dan felt happy to see him, it has been awhile……Dan and I have not done much socializing, between me being sick, him sick, bills, series of things not going right…..just not the happiest people  and we just  stick to ourselves and try to get by.  I made a nice dinner for Dan and I, we had blow fish, it was the first time I made it and If I must say  so – It was really, really good. 

 Looking forward to sleeping late tomorrow. work out, go for  long walk with Dan (if weather permits), get my nails done (maybe) a     quiet day with my favorite man.     Gotta go work out now……the pool season  is =in 3 weeks. I have ALOT TO DO ON MY END.

Bad Night

Yes, another real bad night……full blown mess.  Woke up feeling worse than ever, and in different clothes which mean it was bad and  Dan had to get me in shower and then redress me. I woke up on couch all bundled up in blankets and Dan slepping next to me. He said it happened at 1:00AM and that he got me to bed by 3:30 AM and then he cleaned up and got to bed at 4:30 AM and we got up at 7:00AM…  I am so tired of this…..I hope this pump will help  or I do not know what Iwill do……Just am so tired of the whole situation.  I keep trying to keep a positive attitude, in hopes that things will change and they just keep getting worse.  My heart breaks everytime I look into Dan’s eyes…..how much more can he take.  I don’t know how much more I can either.

What A Weekend

You know that old saying  “When shit happens, it really happens”  well, this weekend was one of those weekends.   It started early Saturday morning, I got up and Dan was still in bed, when I heard this loud,  tumbling sound in my  bedroom, I came running into the room, I thought something happened to Dan.  He was okay – just laying there with a look on his face, I asked him what was that noise, and he just pointed to my closet (a big 10ft closet).   Yes, my total closet had collapsed – everything had fallen off the walls, so bad I could not even get the door open.  So now all  the work I just did – rearranging the closet for change of seasons was a complete waste.   So Dan and I laughed (he teased and laughed – I wanted to cry, especially because this chore is my lease favorite one) we got dressed and headed to Home Depot to repair my closet,,,,,,In the back of my mind  – I had this big fear the other 8ft closet was next to go….So we decided to redo both of them (and a good thing – it was minutes from tearing from the wall).  So  that is what we did all weekend, and then we went for power walks for one hour each day, got plenty of fresh air, Dan did all the mulching, and I continue to do my weekend chores, and cooking.   I had several lows, one which was scary  for me, Dan was outside mulching and I dropped down to 29 and just could not get myself together to get help - it took me about 35 minutes to pull myself together and manage to get to Dan..  This reallly scared the hell out of me.  I was so sweaty and  disoriented,,,,,,I can not even tell you what I did before or during……not much , because I am still doing my closets.  Since that low, I have had a terrible headache that will not go away and my stomach is constantly upset, everything I eat hurts.  It just sucks!!!  I feel I am in slow motion.

Today,  started a new week, I still have the symptoms from the last bad sugar low.  I do not get it, my sugar is all over and I just feel so off.  I find myself coming out of lows that I did not know were happening and when I catch them- I can not recall what I was doing before.  I really  feel like I am loosing my mind completely – I am afraid to speak at times – because I have a hard time finding the words to express my thoughts…..not to mentioned feeling miserable mentally, physically, and appearance – forget that – another mess; between my face being puffy,  eyes tearing……the word UGLY fits.  But I guess I should not complain – as people tell me, you are alive……my answer – great,   be me for a couple of days, or even one and see how lucky you  feel.   I am sorry – I am just venting.  Tomorrow will be better I hope……..going to be trained on new pump.

A Terrible Feeling Of Fear

I woke this morning and I have had this haunting feeling of fear and depression (not to mention my normal aches and pains).  I guess the weather is not helping, it is dreary and the thunder is roaring loud , and it is pouring outside cats and dogs.  I am looking out the window, listening to Dan talk to clients, trying to solve problems with their real estate deals, and them complaining about situations in their lives, little things.  I sit here and think, what if they were in our situation.  I mean we have people complaining to us that something like their dog peaed on the floor, or they have to hang a picture, etc……..the world is coming to end for them,   SHIT – LISTEN TO  YOURSELVES,  if that is a problem, I will take it in a heartbeat. 

What would they do if they were in our shape……having no savings or money to pay bills, due to the  constant medical issues – which will never end,  lack of business because real estate is slow,  worried about loosing our house, lack of health insurance for Dan, etc….I could go on, but we keep going and we never let on.  God I just want jump into on-coming traffic if I could get the nerve too.  I know we all have problems, and they are big to us,  but believe me they are really not that bad……there is others that have it worse……be thankful for what you have and especially if you have your health.  That is the key, without it, life really does suck, the pain, worries and side-effects are always haunting and diablilitating.   Trust me, I know.   I guess I am just venting,  I am frustrated and tired of struggling and seeing my rock, beating himself up trying.  We just never get a break – even a little one.   I thought putting this into words would make me feel a little better emotionally – well it didn’t…….I think I have depressed myself even more.  Well that really sucked, this writting is suppose to help me - Good job Kris.

A Readers Note To Me

 I received this letter in a comment to one of my posts and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Kris, I have read your story and your blog over the last 30 days and my heart goes out to you and Dan. I currently live in Chicago but use to live in New York with my wife and 3 children. My wife was stricken with a rare brain cancer 9 years ago and we saw every doctor in the city that we could for help. We tried lots of things that insurance didn’t cover and we had to go bankrupt and sell our house that was not the bad part to my story. I was ok with losing everything I wasn’t ok with losing my wife.  Seven years ago I came home from the food market to find my wife dead. I had only left her an hour. In the days to come I found out that she had killed herself.  She had told me over those past 2 years dealing with the cancer that she didn’t want to ruin my life with all her pain and financially ruin our family. When we used the girl’s college funds to pay for expenses she was so depressed. Well Kris she gave up thinking it would be best for me. From that day on for the next 4 years my life has spiraled out of control. From drinking, to  prescription drugs to street drugs to being homeless. Today I can tell you that my life has turned around and I am off the street and  I have a small 1 br apartment and my girls are starting to be back in my life. I am work again as a deli manager. My career before my wife was sick was trader on the floor of the stock exchange. I could have dealt with my wife passing. I could have dealt with losing our house and material thing.  But I couldn’t deal with her killing herself. I blamed myself for that. I wanted to share my story with you because I see that you don’t want to press on in your fight and you feel like you are dragging your husband under. Trust me when I tell you from being on his side he doesn’t care! Let him keep fighting to find you help and family and friends will try and help you financially, don’t be too proud to except help from family, friends and strangers. My wife and I were too proud to except help and that was a big mistake. I don’t know if you believe in god or not but that doesn’t matter. Believe in people, your friends and family. I will be keeping my eye on you via this blog so please don’t give up the fight.

R. Fallon

Bad Ending To A Nice Evening

Well, so much for a nice evening with husband and sister.  After I posted my blog, I straighten up a little and went to bed.  Next thing I know, I woke in the morning with a really bad headache, every bone in my body hurt and a horrible pain in my stomach; on my night stand were two empty glucose bottles, and I was not in the same closes as I went to bed in, and my hair  was in ringlets (which is from sweating so bad)……that  was a sure sign there was a problem during the night.  Of course I do not remember anything, just feel the aftermath.  I can also tell by - Dan is very quite and distant…….he did not get much sleep I’m sure and I probably gave him a hard time drinking the glucose.   I feel horrible, physically, mentally unstable, and emotionally I am a wreck.  It kills me that Dan has to take care of me and I  put him thru this…..all I can say is I am sorry.  He never once said to me anything went wrong or what happened he just did what he needed to to help me and that was that and acted like nothing happened. I really want to say to him……”just let me go, don’t help me…..please”.  But that is another wish, along with winning the lottery that will never come true.  I can only hope but I know Dan won’t help me with that wish that one is in my hands.   Dan if I have not said it for the millionth time, I AM SO SORRY AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!Have a lot to do today, although  I’m feeling  shakey  – have errands and appts. to go on with Dan and hopefully come home with out any problems and relax.  Wish me luck.

Insurance #%&#!

Over the past few weeks I have gotten a lot of  emails about how does my insurance cover things for me, financially how do we do it, and how does the money problems and health problem effect my marriage.  It is a daily struggle.  I’m lucky I have someone who doesn’t understand the word lay down or give up!  I don’t know how I would do this on my own.  I think if you are on your own you need to have friends and family to help out or it will over whelm you.  And even with having someone like Dan by your side, it eats you up  and kills you, slowly….(Dan would be so mad at for saying this but it is true……We are drowning ….just together).

The doctor wants me to go back on a pump, not the pump I was on,  but a new one that lets me take smaller amounts of insulin.  This new pump is also the only one on the market that has a sensor that goes with it. So the left side of your stomach has a pump on it and the right side has a sensor that tells the left side if my sugars are getting to high or to low, and then you adjust the pump to either give more or stop giving insulin…… (there for having more control  to prevent lows, highs and damaging seizures). The doctor says that a regular diabetic uses the pump as choice to make life easier for them, but I need to use it to try and keep me from having this many seizures.  Well,  Dan has been working on  the laptop all morning seeing if my insurance will pay for the pump,sensors and supplies….It doesn’t look like they will pay for it all.  And I know it is killing him inside,  he looks so depressed.  I think this is going to be just like last time,  they will say I don’t need the sensors.  When you have something wrong with you, that is not common and becomes very upsetting.  This is not a good thing at all, because your insurance doesn’t understand your needs and really does not care. The last time we went thru this, Dan spent days upon days fighting and appealing the insurances declines. I feel so bad that I am such a burden on us financially….Its bad enough that our income is Zero when I’m sick and Dan can’t get out and work,  but it makes me feel even worse when I know we can’t pay our bills and Dan wants me to get the medical devises and monthly supplies that insurance does not cover.  Dan, always says for me not to worry that stress is bad for me, well stress is bad for him too!  And I worry about him most all.  We earn income between his real estate, the race horses and his websites. So today, and this kills me inside and just want to cry….. I heard him on the phone telling the trainer to sell all the horses….This is a temporary fix to pay bills now,  but next month it hurts because we loose the weekly income checks…. He has put his websites up for sale, and again in the  long run a bad thing; besides it kills me for  he has worked so hard on building them. People have been patient and waited for Dan to see them this week to list there homes …so he is putting 5 homes on the market this week, he only lost 2 people who didn’t want to wait.  Thank god for that, but they still have to sell before there is any money coming in and then  Dan loves his car and kept real low miles on it….something just loved.  I heard him telling someone yesterday that he is getting rid of it. I hate seeing him loosing everything to pay some bills and try and get new pump, the devices,  and have enough money to pay for monthly supplies.  I feel like a burden on him, it is not fair, it is bad enough he can’t have a normal life without taking care of me, but now I feel even worse and deeply sadden that  I’m financial ruining  him too.   It is just so unfair, he is a great person, works so hard for everything he has, and it is all going down the tubes.  He deserves so much better, and that includes a someone better.

 So to all the people who have emailed me and asked about how  do we deal with all this financially, and how we go on; I hope this gives you some insight and lets you know that your not alone or the only one who has to fight with insurance and deal with trying to keep your house, cars and pay bills……All I can say to you is if you are going thru the same thing,  I understand your fears,  frustration and pain.  I laugh when the doctors says to me – try to avoid getting stressed “it does not help matters , and will make your situation worse. ” Well  HELLO, NO SHIT!!!  how can you not be stressed and sick, where does the money come from……it does not grow in my yard……we have to work hard and always will….nothing is easy for us (and that is okay – we don’t mind working – God how I wish I could - it just really sucks!!!!!

For those that don’t have these worries, be grateful and I am truly happy for you and may you always be so fortunate…..And for those who have these worries, it is disheartening, stressful and so unfair.   All I can say is I am sorry.  It’s easier to give up then fight and  most people won’t blame you if you did. The biggest thing I hate to hear when I see someone is when they say ” Hang in there Kris, It will get better!” or “Your a fighter, you will get thru this” or the worst!, ” You’ll be better soon” You just wish they would say nothing rather then telling you lies to make themselves feel better! People have a hard time understanding that not all things get better some just get worse…….And they do, we are proof.  Well, I am done venting…..but you now know, why I wish Dan would not save me, I am really not being selfish, just realistic. 

My wish  – that my dollar and my dream comes true – win the lottery, get update in my bills, be current, get the meds I need, repay those that have helped in the past, give Dan back what he deserves (a less stressed,therefore healthier me and the things he given up), and most of all to help others like us…..which I know would make Dan and I both happy…..to give back……..THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY AND COMPLETE.  “It can’t hurt to dream – some day ! :o )

Home sweet home

Yes, I broke out yesterday…….by the time I got meds and home, just went to bed……I am so happy to be home……I feel horrible and my sugars are still not stable…..very high, I am now taking about 25 times more of insulin with another 10-15 units of another type of insulin, combined. They/ Dan especially is worried about the damage it is doing and afraid of my body dehydrating…..but I am just so much happier feeling like shit at home…I just have to say  Dan is wonderful and loving husband…..I don’t know how I could do this without him…….I am so lucky to have him and wonderful friends who care and love us both…..Thank you,  I will be posting  more , just have a slamming headache, and wanted to let everyone – thank you again for all your love and good wishes and most of all —-I AM HOME!!!!!!