Tag Archives: Health

Bad Night

Yes, another real bad night……full blown mess.  Woke up feeling worse than ever, and in different clothes which mean it was bad and  Dan had to get me in shower and then redress me. I woke up on couch all bundled up in blankets and Dan slepping next to me. He said it happened at 1:00AM and that he got me to bed by 3:30 AM and then he cleaned up and got to bed at 4:30 AM and we got up at 7:00AM…  I am so tired of this…..I hope this pump will help  or I do not know what Iwill do……Just am so tired of the whole situation.  I keep trying to keep a positive attitude, in hopes that things will change and they just keep getting worse.  My heart breaks everytime I look into Dan’s eyes…..how much more can he take.  I don’t know how much more I can either.

Just Very Sad

Just one of those days that I just want to cry.  Woke this morning just feeling very sad, just wanted to stay in bed.  My head has been killing me since I woke, my sugar is very high and not  coming down, and it is dreary outside which does not make matters better.  Nothing good is happening…..oh, I finally got my clothes changed over and put the winter in storage.  That is a major accomplishment, did it in just two days, it usually takes me weeks (2)   from start to end.  Making dinner and just going to watch TV…..maybe rent a movie.  Just not in  good spirits and neither is Dan.  Tomorrow is Easter, and we are not going anywhere (was Invited to Erika’s ) but we are not in the best of moods to see people and why should we make them miserable.   So we are going to spend Easter  alone by ourselves…….I am not a big fan of Easter  any- although I am a big Peeps and Robin Egg lover.  You know I am depressed when I didn’t even by them.  Maybe if the sun comes out tomorrow we will go for a long walk……If not I will work out as usual. Well, to everyone celebrating  HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Totally Weird

Totally weird start to the day.  Woke up this morning feeling really weird, my stomach was more upset than usual and I just felt shaky.  I thought it would past, so I decided to skip my  exercise routine (do it later today) and got ready to run  around with  Dan on appointments and errands ;  the next thing I remember is Dan making me drink glucose shots.  I apparently had a bad sugar low – it was only 10:20 in the morning.   I just don’t get it.  I don’t remember anything leading up to the low or anything much after.   So of course this changed my plans for the day, because now I am feeling shitty  and worse than before.  

Finally, after re-grouping, I got myself together, finished getting dressed and ready to go out with Dan (that man is a saint)…..we were able to accomplish all the things we needed to get done (despite the  fact that my head still feels like it is going to explode and I just feel so unsure of things, my thoughts and speaking – so I apologize if my thoughts are scattered).  I managed to work out on my ball…..only did half the sit-ups…better than nothing.  I can’t wait to go to bed and end this day.

New Day But Nothing Changes

Okay,  it is Monday, the beginning of a new week, the past should be the past, and a fresh start right?.  It just doesn’t work out that way for me. My life is like  the movie Groundhog Day. no matter what I try to change the day still ends the same way. Its just a bad ride that doesn’t seem to end. “they” say BE  POSITIVE….THINK POSITIVE but “they are not me and I’m gettin tired of hearing “them”.   That is what I have tried t do for the past few years. All the prayers and well wishes don’t work so what is left? I feel like crap  today and feel like a puff ball, retaining fluids from the last seizure but whats the difference the next seizure is right around the corner waiting to happen and make me feel bad again.  Just  want to feel no more pain both in my body and in my heart. How can anyone stand me when I can’t stand myself?  The doctors tell me that stress is bad for me and helps contribute to my seizures How come they can’t tell me how to fix my daily stress??? Have alot of things to do, but getting off to a slow start. I’m at the point were I don’t care if things take longer to get done. Easter is this weekend and I really don’t want to go any where and see anyone. Maybe just stay around house. Dan is checking to see what the girls are doing but he thinks they have plans.

Insurance #%&#!

Over the past few weeks I have gotten a lot of  emails about how does my insurance cover things for me, financially how do we do it, and how does the money problems and health problem effect my marriage.  It is a daily struggle.  I’m lucky I have someone who doesn’t understand the word lay down or give up!  I don’t know how I would do this on my own.  I think if you are on your own you need to have friends and family to help out or it will over whelm you.  And even with having someone like Dan by your side, it eats you up  and kills you, slowly….(Dan would be so mad at for saying this but it is true……We are drowning ….just together).

The doctor wants me to go back on a pump, not the pump I was on,  but a new one that lets me take smaller amounts of insulin.  This new pump is also the only one on the market that has a sensor that goes with it. So the left side of your stomach has a pump on it and the right side has a sensor that tells the left side if my sugars are getting to high or to low, and then you adjust the pump to either give more or stop giving insulin…… (there for having more control  to prevent lows, highs and damaging seizures). The doctor says that a regular diabetic uses the pump as choice to make life easier for them, but I need to use it to try and keep me from having this many seizures.  Well,  Dan has been working on  the laptop all morning seeing if my insurance will pay for the pump,sensors and supplies….It doesn’t look like they will pay for it all.  And I know it is killing him inside,  he looks so depressed.  I think this is going to be just like last time,  they will say I don’t need the sensors.  When you have something wrong with you, that is not common and becomes very upsetting.  This is not a good thing at all, because your insurance doesn’t understand your needs and really does not care. The last time we went thru this, Dan spent days upon days fighting and appealing the insurances declines. I feel so bad that I am such a burden on us financially….Its bad enough that our income is Zero when I’m sick and Dan can’t get out and work,  but it makes me feel even worse when I know we can’t pay our bills and Dan wants me to get the medical devises and monthly supplies that insurance does not cover.  Dan, always says for me not to worry that stress is bad for me, well stress is bad for him too!  And I worry about him most all.  We earn income between his real estate, the race horses and his websites. So today, and this kills me inside and just want to cry….. I heard him on the phone telling the trainer to sell all the horses….This is a temporary fix to pay bills now,  but next month it hurts because we loose the weekly income checks…. He has put his websites up for sale, and again in the  long run a bad thing; besides it kills me for  he has worked so hard on building them. People have been patient and waited for Dan to see them this week to list there homes …so he is putting 5 homes on the market this week, he only lost 2 people who didn’t want to wait.  Thank god for that, but they still have to sell before there is any money coming in and then  Dan loves his car and kept real low miles on it….something just loved.  I heard him telling someone yesterday that he is getting rid of it. I hate seeing him loosing everything to pay some bills and try and get new pump, the devices,  and have enough money to pay for monthly supplies.  I feel like a burden on him, it is not fair, it is bad enough he can’t have a normal life without taking care of me, but now I feel even worse and deeply sadden that  I’m financial ruining  him too.   It is just so unfair, he is a great person, works so hard for everything he has, and it is all going down the tubes.  He deserves so much better, and that includes a someone better.

 So to all the people who have emailed me and asked about how  do we deal with all this financially, and how we go on; I hope this gives you some insight and lets you know that your not alone or the only one who has to fight with insurance and deal with trying to keep your house, cars and pay bills……All I can say to you is if you are going thru the same thing,  I understand your fears,  frustration and pain.  I laugh when the doctors says to me – try to avoid getting stressed “it does not help matters , and will make your situation worse. ” Well  HELLO, NO SHIT!!!  how can you not be stressed and sick, where does the money come from……it does not grow in my yard……we have to work hard and always will….nothing is easy for us (and that is okay – we don’t mind working – God how I wish I could – it just really sucks!!!!!

For those that don’t have these worries, be grateful and I am truly happy for you and may you always be so fortunate…..And for those who have these worries, it is disheartening, stressful and so unfair.   All I can say is I am sorry.  It’s easier to give up then fight and  most people won’t blame you if you did. The biggest thing I hate to hear when I see someone is when they say ” Hang in there Kris, It will get better!” or “Your a fighter, you will get thru this” or the worst!, ” You’ll be better soon” You just wish they would say nothing rather then telling you lies to make themselves feel better! People have a hard time understanding that not all things get better some just get worse…….And they do, we are proof.  Well, I am done venting…..but you now know, why I wish Dan would not save me, I am really not being selfish, just realistic. 

My wish  – that my dollar and my dream comes true – win the lottery, get update in my bills, be current, get the meds I need, repay those that have helped in the past, give Dan back what he deserves (a less stressed,therefore healthier me and the things he given up), and most of all to help others like us…..which I know would make Dan and I both happy…..to give back……..THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY AND COMPLETE.  “It can’t hurt to dream – some day ! :o)

Home sweet home

Yes, I broke out yesterday…….by the time I got meds and home, just went to bed……I am so happy to be home……I feel horrible and my sugars are still not stable…..very high, I am now taking about 25 times more of insulin with another 10-15 units of another type of insulin, combined. They/ Dan especially is worried about the damage it is doing and afraid of my body dehydrating…..but I am just so much happier feeling like shit at home…I just have to say  Dan is wonderful and loving husband…..I don’t know how I could do this without him…….I am so lucky to have him and wonderful friends who care and love us both…..Thank you,  I will be posting  more , just have a slamming headache, and wanted to let everyone – thank you again for all your love and good wishes and most of all —-I AM HOME!!!!!!

Breaking Out!

Whether I get approval or not, I am out of here…..I am signing myself out.  I am so upset…..I thought I was going home today, but my sugars are still all over and the doctors wanted me to go back and try original meds…….so Dan ran home got my medicine and then raced all the way back….to find out that they decided not to use the meds Dan ran home for. ….which really sucked..(the only good thing was Dan was able to shower, he got me clean clothes and he was able to get his  blood pressure meds). That is the good thing.  Going to try new dosage tonite…..and hopefully it will be okay and not cuase more problems.  I feel miserable, since my sugars being all over, causing me to be dehydrated, and them flushing liquids into system, which in turn caused 4 of my veins to blow, (I am so sore ,swollen, and black and blue)…but most of all I feel horrible for Dan, he has not slept, feels miserable/cold, and the two of us are just stressed, It is just not pretty.

To All

 I want to thank:Suzy,Joanne,Donna & Andy, Jane, Donna & Chuck,Jessie & Kim, Aurora, Jackie, Rita, Ryia, Jeannie, Margret.Judy & Jerry, Terri, Doreen,Robyn and all the friends and followers of my journey and facebook friends that I might have not mentioned because of my brain has been lossing cells this week.  Dan reads to me everyday what you all have written. The past 24 hours have been the worst and I’m going to check myself out of here tommorrow. I feel worse then when I got here. Tommorrow I will write an update of whats been going on….just don’t have the eyes and fingers to do it tonight. Check back later

Hospital update

My sugars are to low and thats the problem why Im here and have seizures but now they are too hi and I am starting to get DKA (Diabetic Ketoacidosis) which is dangerous if it isn’t corrected, so they are pumping fluids through my kidneys now to flush them. Getting a brain MRI this afternoon/night….Might be getting a special type of  pneumonia that you get from throwing up in your lungs when I seized…its like a drug overdose… pneumonia …..they will see later if it gets worse (it takes a few days to see it develope) luckly right now it  is just coughing  and burning now…….the mass in  breast…is calcium and needs to be watched but not cancer now…..they are talking about trying a new type of pump for insulin bu if insurance doesn’t cover it we can’t try it….that’s  my update.  Just want to go home.

It’s Me

I’m laying in bed at the hospital trying to get my thoughts to words and then find the right keys to tell you what happened. All I remember is I wasn’t feeling well and then I woke up here. Dan told me that I had a bad seizure and was sick to my stomach at the same time as seizing. Dan called my doctor and said he was afraid I was going to choke and stop breathing…He didn’t want to take me to a NJ hospital  where they didn’t no me so 911 was out and Dr
Castro agreed that there was a big risk him driving me in the city while i was unconscious and taking 40 minute ride but was best chance for me. Dan called our to friends who live walking distance to our home. Suzy happens to be a RN and Joanne is a EMT he needed help carrying me down the stairs and out to the car. Remember he d hurt his neck last month and has a torn abdomen.  When they came over they both were a little nervous about his choice not to call 911 and have ambulance take me to hospital, they both agreed that I was not breathing well and was stopping and  starting my breathing. Dan told them that my best chance was to go to NYC and that Dr. Castro agreed so they came up with a plan on how to get me down the stairs and out to the car. I heard that poor Dan was in pain from his neck and Suzy and Joanne were worried that his heart problems wouldn’t cause him a major problem. It took them over a 1/2 hour to get me in car. Both Suzy and Joanne held me in the back seat and Dan drove….He drove right to ambulance bay and called ahead so they were ready for me. At this point I still don’t remember any of this. Dan then had to get car service to drive them home. I can’t thank them enough for there help! I’m embarrassed…..When I did get brain back all I remember is being mad at Dan for taking me here. I really wish he just didn’t help me and I got off this ride. My brain is fuzzy and my thoughts choppy….terrible headache…I apologize for bad grammar, spelling and rambling thoughts. Dr Castro met with us and told me that if Dan didn’t get me in here It most likely would have been fatal…I would have been happy but I know Dan wouldn’t have been……I really don’t know why…his life would be so much better without all this drama.  I am so upset he canceled listing appointments that were the next morning…We are so screwed financially when I’m sick and when he cant work because he is with me it effects us for months and we never can recoup. Dan has been at my side for days now night and day sleeping in a chair next to my bed. They come in hourly and ask him what doses I need and he tells them…..I have gone for tons of tests and he finds a way to get in the procedure room with me so he know I will be safe if something happens and hes not there. Between Dan and Dr Castro they work together to keep me safe here. Dan and Dr Castro were both worried about the lump in my chest that they said was to just be watched 6 months ago but since has grown bigger and gotten sore. Dan said while I was in for this I should have it looked at again….well they did and they agreed that it should be biopsied now so they took 5 samples and I’m laying here with an ice bag on my chest. I told Dan to stop finding more things wrong with me I have enough! So last two days have been all kinds of tests and studies to see what damage has been done to my remaining organs and meetings with doctors to see if anything can be done to lesson the diabetic seizures….They would be happy if they could save me from 1 because each one could be the one that causes me a major problem. They now are talking about putting me back on the pods and pump and having the doctors order a diluting agent and mixing my insulin and then giving it to me thru pump. Problem is my new insurance doesn’t cover the pumps! I am a money pit! I just want to go home and what ever happens happens! Dan came up with the idea to have a port put in where he could give me an IV when I had a seizure at home and they are thinking about his idea. Hopefully today we rule out breast cancer…that would be something that would make the doctor go nuts since they don’t know how to treat me know chemo or operations would make there heads explode….Seems like the hospital like normal shit wrong with people not stuff that makes them sweat to do. I tell Dan every 10 minutes that I don’t care what they have or haven’t done yet with me I’m going home today!!!! Its my choice!!! he says yes fine but I really don’t think he means yes but he is trying not to stress me…the doctors all say that “stress” helps trigger the seizures and I need to stay calm….Think they could proscribe a deposit in my bank account to calm my stress? or make me feel go for just ONE day? Dan and I said today that in past 7 years since operation I have never had one day pain free. Sorry again for rambling and typing but I have excuse!! Stay tune