Tag Archives: diabetic

Feeling Like Crap – Just Not In A Good Mood

I  woke today, it was beautiful and sunny, my head hurt but not as bad as it has been.  I got a decent nights sleep, no lows or problems, just got up 3-4 times which is actually good for me.  But I just feel so horrible, I ache and I am just not myself.

Sorry I have not written, just don’t have anything  positive to say.  I find that when I feel this way and you don’t have anything good to say,   I truly believe it is  best not to say anything.  Nobody wants to hear the same shit……..know one really cares, we all have our problems, so I have decided to suck it up and deal with it….(it is just easier to deal with the shit when you have a light at the end of the tunnel or a chance things will get better), and I know that it is not going to happen – not in my case and I know that.  But it does not hurt to  want and wish for better.  Anyway, just looking forward for the day to end, go to bed and go to sleep…….at least then I can dream of good things, like feeling better and not having this constant feeling of being a burden and abnormal. 

Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow in a better mood and have something  positive to say……..god knows I am tired of hearing myself -   I can only imagine how everyone feels listening to me……I really am not a Debbie Downer (I am normally positive – just in a bad rut), and I truely apologize.   Good night

Just Want To Say Thanks

I just want to say Thank you to a very special man in my life.  This man is my hero,  my inspiration and best friend, he is my rock and lover.  Thank you for making mothers day special…….I can not tell you how much I love you – there are no words that can express how much.  And although I may not act it, and get frustrated, and take it out on you…….I truly appreciate all you do for me and the patience you have when I am not so nice (when I am not me)…..I just wanted to say that,  every day is special  because of you.  I love you and thanks again.

New Pump, New Day, And New Attitude

Today was a big day, I went into the city to be trained on the new pump.  I was already exhausted before the day has even started.  I had another real bad low – seizure, it started around 1:00 pm and I finally went to sleep around 3:30; poor Dan did not get to sleep until 4:30 (stayed up to make sure I was stable) and then we had to get up at 7:00 and out of the house around 9:00.  We ran around most of the morning and afternoon – did errands and Dan had work to accomplish before heading into the city for my doctors appointment.  The training was a long process, they also put a glucose sensor (not expecting that – another device inserted on the other side of my stomach) to monitor the sugars while getting the amounts of insulin   administered  and the reactions, the dosages, highs, lows etc……a computerized print out.  I have to keep the monitor on until next week.  I am amazed that I was able to go the whole day running, overcome the multiple lows and seizure from the night before……kept going after the side effects, shakey, aches and pains,etc and made it home without collapsing, the doctor/training appt did not end until 10:00 pm and did not get home till   10:45.  Then  I had to make lunch and dinner for the next morning to bring to Dan’s parents.

My sugars are all over right now – adjusting and I am not use to having all these devices and tubes hanging on me.  My sides are killing me – I have to get use to it.  But it is better than giving myself the shots (10-15 injections- plus finger pricking of 20 times) now it is just one big pain on my side – which is the pump (change every 2 days) and the finger pricks.  I have to be happy about that……I just hope this helps……………I know I will never get better, but this will lessen the pain in my arms and legs (where I give the injections – now they are so sore – doing this every day for the last 6-7 years)……It has to be better – New attitude.  Yes – Positive thinking. 

Wed:

It was a long day, just got home from Dan’s parents…..God, Dan is such a good person, wonderful son (they are so lucky to have such a loving and caring son) and most of all the absolutely best husband in the  world…..and I truly mean that.  I can not express how lucky and greatful I am…………..Thank you baby, you are my rock and I love you to death….this may sound corny and I may say it all the time…..I don’t care – I can not say it enough.  You complete me.  I love you so much!!!

On this note – I am going to bed…..I will start my new attitude tomorrow .

Bad Night

Yes, another real bad night……full blown mess.  Woke up feeling worse than ever, and in different clothes which mean it was bad and  Dan had to get me in shower and then redress me. I woke up on couch all bundled up in blankets and Dan slepping next to me. He said it happened at 1:00AM and that he got me to bed by 3:30 AM and then he cleaned up and got to bed at 4:30 AM and we got up at 7:00AM…  I am so tired of this…..I hope this pump will help  or I do not know what Iwill do……Just am so tired of the whole situation.  I keep trying to keep a positive attitude, in hopes that things will change and they just keep getting worse.  My heart breaks everytime I look into Dan’s eyes…..how much more can he take.  I don’t know how much more I can either.

What A Weekend

You know that old saying  “When shit happens, it really happens”  well, this weekend was one of those weekends.   It started early Saturday morning, I got up and Dan was still in bed, when I heard this loud,  tumbling sound in my  bedroom, I came running into the room, I thought something happened to Dan.  He was okay – just laying there with a look on his face, I asked him what was that noise, and he just pointed to my closet (a big 10ft closet).   Yes, my total closet had collapsed – everything had fallen off the walls, so bad I could not even get the door open.  So now all  the work I just did – rearranging the closet for change of seasons was a complete waste.   So Dan and I laughed (he teased and laughed – I wanted to cry, especially because this chore is my lease favorite one) we got dressed and headed to Home Depot to repair my closet,,,,,,In the back of my mind  – I had this big fear the other 8ft closet was next to go….So we decided to redo both of them (and a good thing – it was minutes from tearing from the wall).  So  that is what we did all weekend, and then we went for power walks for one hour each day, got plenty of fresh air, Dan did all the mulching, and I continue to do my weekend chores, and cooking.   I had several lows, one which was scary  for me, Dan was outside mulching and I dropped down to 29 and just could not get myself together to get help - it took me about 35 minutes to pull myself together and manage to get to Dan..  This reallly scared the hell out of me.  I was so sweaty and  disoriented,,,,,,I can not even tell you what I did before or during……not much , because I am still doing my closets.  Since that low, I have had a terrible headache that will not go away and my stomach is constantly upset, everything I eat hurts.  It just sucks!!!  I feel I am in slow motion.

Today,  started a new week, I still have the symptoms from the last bad sugar low.  I do not get it, my sugar is all over and I just feel so off.  I find myself coming out of lows that I did not know were happening and when I catch them- I can not recall what I was doing before.  I really  feel like I am loosing my mind completely – I am afraid to speak at times – because I have a hard time finding the words to express my thoughts…..not to mentioned feeling miserable mentally, physically, and appearance – forget that – another mess; between my face being puffy,  eyes tearing……the word UGLY fits.  But I guess I should not complain – as people tell me, you are alive……my answer – great,   be me for a couple of days, or even one and see how lucky you  feel.   I am sorry – I am just venting.  Tomorrow will be better I hope……..going to be trained on new pump.

A Terrible Feeling Of Fear

I woke this morning and I have had this haunting feeling of fear and depression (not to mention my normal aches and pains).  I guess the weather is not helping, it is dreary and the thunder is roaring loud , and it is pouring outside cats and dogs.  I am looking out the window, listening to Dan talk to clients, trying to solve problems with their real estate deals, and them complaining about situations in their lives, little things.  I sit here and think, what if they were in our situation.  I mean we have people complaining to us that something like their dog peaed on the floor, or they have to hang a picture, etc……..the world is coming to end for them,   SHIT – LISTEN TO  YOURSELVES,  if that is a problem, I will take it in a heartbeat. 

What would they do if they were in our shape……having no savings or money to pay bills, due to the  constant medical issues – which will never end,  lack of business because real estate is slow,  worried about loosing our house, lack of health insurance for Dan, etc….I could go on, but we keep going and we never let on.  God I just want jump into on-coming traffic if I could get the nerve too.  I know we all have problems, and they are big to us,  but believe me they are really not that bad……there is others that have it worse……be thankful for what you have and especially if you have your health.  That is the key, without it, life really does suck, the pain, worries and side-effects are always haunting and diablilitating.   Trust me, I know.   I guess I am just venting,  I am frustrated and tired of struggling and seeing my rock, beating himself up trying.  We just never get a break – even a little one.   I thought putting this into words would make me feel a little better emotionally – well it didn’t…….I think I have depressed myself even more.  Well that really sucked, this writting is suppose to help me - Good job Kris.

Did I Say Nightmare!!!!

Monday was going to be a very busy, long,  and pressure filled day.  Dan and I had to drive to Toms River, pick his parents up (getting them into car was a task), drive back up to Wayne to the wake of family friend, then get them back into the  car, and drive them back to Toms River, get them  food, and finally go back to Mahwah.  Well everything was going as planned, until on the way home to Tom River, I had a very bad sugar low, and was on the verge of a seizure.  Dan was not able to reach me to prevent it, I was sitting in the back with his father, (mother in front with him because she cannot get into the truck)…..so he did not see the signs…..which of course resulted in total Chaos.   Dan had to pull off the side of the road to help me…. his parents tried to help (the father tried- and his mother thought she was, but made matters worse…..whereupon Dan and her got into it).  After I was stable enough Dan dropped his parents home, and we went to get them food……I had no clue what happened and Dan filled me in.   I felt so embarrassed that his parents witness the situation and that Dan had to deal with this.  I just want to go home and hide.  We ate with his parents,…..very quite/ not much conversation,  Dan’s mother was upset with him – because he yelled at her; so we made sure they were settled and got back in the car and headed north one more time.   Dan is a true saint and great son to his parents……I just hope they know that.

Managed to get home without any other problems, just felt embarrassed and sick from the seizure… my balance was off….and so was my speech.  It was a quiet ride home and a total night mare of a day.  I went straight to bed….hoping tomorrow would be better.

Easter Sunday

I am sure glad the Easter Bunny did not come to my house last night…. He would have been in for a big surprise.   Apparently I had a very bad sugar low and seizure.   I would not drink the glucose shots for Dan and I was falling all over the  place.   This morning I woke with  a terrible head and stomach ache and my legs are so sore to stand up.       Dan said I kept saying my legs were missing during the seizure……..All I know is, god they hurt, and  I am glad I do not have to let on to anyone in the family how bad I feel…….I know Dan knows because he was there, but how I really feel after this low, worse than I have ever felt.  So when he said lets go for a walk, I wanted to just die, but I did not  want to mess up his day, (god only knows I did the nite before), so I put my sneakers on  and went for an 1.5 hour   walk with him.  I made it  – even though it was killing me inside, I would not let him know…..and I am glad, I at least overcame and accomplished something.

It is very quite here, Dan is  watching basketball, and I am going to make dinner – a salad.  That was what he wanted. Dan  is truly a great guy, I just wish he did not have to suffer thru this with me.  I made my calls to my family, to wish everyone a good day……I miss them, but I just am not into talking with people and pretending that everything is great when it is really, really, bad.  And no relief insight.

After dinner, I plan on   just sitting in front of the TV after I work out…..and just veg.  I need to get a good night sleep without any problems, I have a big day  tomorrow – Dan and I have to pick up his parents in Toms River, drive them to Wayne – their friends funeral, and then drive them   back to Toms  River and then finally come home.  God help me  not have any problems.

Just Very Sad

Just one of those days that I just want to cry.  Woke this morning just feeling very sad, just wanted to stay in bed.  My head has been killing me since I woke, my sugar is very high and not  coming down, and it is dreary outside which does not make matters better.  Nothing good is happening…..oh, I finally got my clothes changed over and put the winter in storage.  That is a major accomplishment, did it in just two days, it usually takes me weeks (2)   from start to end.  Making dinner and just going to watch TV…..maybe rent a movie.  Just not in  good spirits and neither is Dan.  Tomorrow is Easter, and we are not going anywhere (was Invited to Erika’s ) but we are not in the best of moods to see people and why should we make them miserable.   So we are going to spend Easter  alone by ourselves…….I am not a big fan of Easter  any- although I am a big Peeps and Robin Egg lover.  You know I am depressed when I didn’t even by them.  Maybe if the sun comes out tomorrow we will go for a long walk……If not I will work out as usual. Well, to everyone celebrating  HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Totally Weird

Totally weird start to the day.  Woke up this morning feeling really weird, my stomach was more upset than usual and I just felt shaky.  I thought it would past, so I decided to skip my  exercise routine (do it later today) and got ready to run  around with  Dan on appointments and errands ;  the next thing I remember is Dan making me drink glucose shots.  I apparently had a bad sugar low - it was only 10:20 in the morning.   I just don’t get it.  I don’t remember anything leading up to the low or anything much after.   So of course this changed my plans for the day, because now I am feeling shitty  and worse than before.  

Finally, after re-grouping, I got myself together, finished getting dressed and ready to go out with Dan (that man is a saint)…..we were able to accomplish all the things we needed to get done (despite the  fact that my head still feels like it is going to explode and I just feel so unsure of things, my thoughts and speaking – so I apologize if my thoughts are scattered).  I managed to work out on my ball…..only did half the sit-ups…better than nothing.  I can’t wait to go to bed and end this day.