Tag Archives: Death

A Readers Note To Me

 I received this letter in a comment to one of my posts and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Kris, I have read your story and your blog over the last 30 days and my heart goes out to you and Dan. I currently live in Chicago but use to live in New York with my wife and 3 children. My wife was stricken with a rare brain cancer 9 years ago and we saw every doctor in the city that we could for help. We tried lots of things that insurance didn’t cover and we had to go bankrupt and sell our house that was not the bad part to my story. I was ok with losing everything I wasn’t ok with losing my wife.  Seven years ago I came home from the food market to find my wife dead. I had only left her an hour. In the days to come I found out that she had killed herself.  She had told me over those past 2 years dealing with the cancer that she didn’t want to ruin my life with all her pain and financially ruin our family. When we used the girl’s college funds to pay for expenses she was so depressed. Well Kris she gave up thinking it would be best for me. From that day on for the next 4 years my life has spiraled out of control. From drinking, to  prescription drugs to street drugs to being homeless. Today I can tell you that my life has turned around and I am off the street and  I have a small 1 br apartment and my girls are starting to be back in my life. I am work again as a deli manager. My career before my wife was sick was trader on the floor of the stock exchange. I could have dealt with my wife passing. I could have dealt with losing our house and material thing.  But I couldn’t deal with her killing herself. I blamed myself for that. I wanted to share my story with you because I see that you don’t want to press on in your fight and you feel like you are dragging your husband under. Trust me when I tell you from being on his side he doesn’t care! Let him keep fighting to find you help and family and friends will try and help you financially, don’t be too proud to except help from family, friends and strangers. My wife and I were too proud to except help and that was a big mistake. I don’t know if you believe in god or not but that doesn’t matter. Believe in people, your friends and family. I will be keeping my eye on you via this blog so please don’t give up the fight.

R. Fallon

New Day But Nothing Changes

Okay,  it is Monday, the beginning of a new week, the past should be the past, and a fresh start right?.  It just doesn’t work out that way for me. My life is like  the movie Groundhog Day. no matter what I try to change the day still ends the same way. Its just a bad ride that doesn’t seem to end. “they” say BE  POSITIVE….THINK POSITIVE but “they are not me and I’m gettin tired of hearing “them”.   That is what I have tried t do for the past few years. All the prayers and well wishes don’t work so what is left? I feel like crap  today and feel like a puff ball, retaining fluids from the last seizure but whats the difference the next seizure is right around the corner waiting to happen and make me feel bad again.  Just  want to feel no more pain both in my body and in my heart. How can anyone stand me when I can’t stand myself?  The doctors tell me that stress is bad for me and helps contribute to my seizures How come they can’t tell me how to fix my daily stress??? Have alot of things to do, but getting off to a slow start. I’m at the point were I don’t care if things take longer to get done. Easter is this weekend and I really don’t want to go any where and see anyone. Maybe just stay around house. Dan is checking to see what the girls are doing but he thinks they have plans.

The Small Things That Matter

Had a nice relaxing evening so far……made dinner for Dan and my sister Erika came over to just hang out with us (chicken with  rice and salad)    We then all watched the movie  on cable “The Hangover”  it is a great movie, Dan and I saw it before, Erika never did……it was fun,  had us laughing from the beginnning to end…..Bradley Cooper is just eye candy… yummy for the eyes…….It was a real nice evening….I had a sugar low (caught before my sister got to the house) but it was a pleasure after last night…..I accomplished  watching the whole movie without a problem and remembering what I saw is a good thing….now I hope to get thru the night into the morning….. busy day ahead.  Got all the winter clothes out of the drawers and closets ….yes, I am on a role, now to pack them away and put summer out.  Good night I hope!

Holy Crap – Major Melt Down

I woke this morning not knowing where I was or how I got to bed, the last thing I remember was going for a walk with Dan.  I had a real bad sugar low, then seizure and Dan manage to stabilize me.   So when I got home from my walk  I went to write  on my blog,  I realize that I definitely had a problem, as my last entry shows……Holy Crap – I am so embarrassed, not only do I not remember the whole evening from the walk on, my brain had a major melt down, as you can see on my last entry.  I don’t remember writing, and my typing/spelling  as well as thought process was shot…..Don’t ask me what I was trying to say.  

This is why the  new sensor they came out with  is so important……it would detect a pattern in  my sugar moving in the wrong direction up to 45 min. in advance of me having a problem and set an alarm off so I could get sugar into me and turn pump off…….now I don’t even feel it coming on ( I use to)……and if I do it is to late cause I can’t express it.  I feel so stupid and mad writing the way I did last night on here…….All I can say is I am sorry.  I should just paste  a sign on my back “I am sorry in advance”.

Well, I can not change things…..just move on and hope another episode does not take place today and I get a days break. It’s the back to back one that really do damage to my brain. Dan is even more upset then me because he feels bad when he can’t catch it in time. Now he is telling me that he is going to get that sensor one way or another in the next month or so. I reminded him that the sensor is a one time fee  and the supplies are what will just be another monthly bill we don’t need or can afford.  Well….. I have  a lot to do, weekend cleaning and chores, change over clothes from winter to summer (how I hate that job), run errands with Dan,  and try to keep a smile my on face,  when all I want to do is cry with my head pounding ( I will have that for the next few days after a seizure).  Oh well, better get started. One of our friends told Dan and I about a neighbor that killed herself the other day by sitting in the car with it running and the garage door shut. Dan felt so bad for the woman that she had no other choice but to do that…….I felt good for the woman because I know how it feels to not want to be around any longer and be a financial burden on my family.  Why should Dan loss everything  he worked so hard for in life and have suck a stress daily life? I was jealous of the woman who ended it all.

Exercise

Dan and I went for a walk tonight and now I’m home and working out on the big ball doing m sit ups. I try ad do 250 in morning and 250 at nigt.  It’s one of the last few thgs I still candoon my own withouteeding Danaroud t watch m do ing it. I try and sty  shapasss much a can since the seizur breeac me dow       so muc.  I  nned to come back latte to talk more cause  not felin so good right now Idon’t wan to get hurt myself i need to stop  for th fathr rig yuuu o  well  ff  heshere now immgowant to wthhiim hope it ok soonn noplain

New Page & New Pictures

I asked Dan to put a new page on my blog, Contact Kris and Dan. This page gives our mailing address and phone number. I also put about 50 new picture of my family,friends and me………Hope you like them.

Feeling of Accomplishment

I woke today feeling real crappy – which is the normal.  But I had received two wonderful comments from my followers that made were the perfect medicine.  It made me feel a sense of accomplishment and self worth.  I finally felt like I had some purpose, even if it was small, it meant so much to me…….I just want to say Thank you to  Tara and Steven…….you brought a smile to my face…..thanks again.

Healthy meals can still taste good!

Whith the warm weather this week its good to get grill going. I need to eat alot of fish in my diet so here is a GREAT  recipe for grilled Salmon.

Ingredients

For Salmon:
4 skinless salmon fillets (6 ounces each)
1 teaspoon olive oil
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
Coarse salt and ground pepper
For citrus sauce:
1/2 cup fresh orange juice
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
1 teaspoons sugar
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons olive oil
Coarse salt and ground pepper

Directions

  1. Make citrus sauce: In a small skillet over high heat, boil 1/2 cup fresh orange juice and 1/4 cup fresh lime juice until reduced to 1/2 cup, 8 to 12 minutes.
  2. Remove from heat; whisk in 1 teaspoons sugar, 2 teaspoons Dijon mustard, and 2 tablespoons olive oil. Season with coarse salt and ground pepper. Set aside citrus sauce (makes about 3/4 cup).
  3. Prepare salmon: Heat grill to medium-high. Rub 4 skinless salmon fillets (6 ounces each) with 1 teaspoon olive oil. Sprinkle with 1/2 teaspoon ground coriander; season with coarse salt and ground pepper.
  4. Lightly oil grates; place salmon, skinned side up, on grill. Cover grill; cook 5 minutes. Turn fillets; cover, and cook until opaque throughout and flaky, about 4 minutes more. Serve salmon drizzled with citrus sauce. Dan and  I personally like to eat it over a fresh green salad.

 

Hope you enjoy it!

Of all the things I lost, It is my mind I miss the most!

Just an all around bad two days……. all of sudden I been having sugar lows left and right…….causing my body to ache as if I had a bad seizures and bad memory loss.  I have been trying to remember exactly what I did the last few days……and it seems impossible to put things into place or what exactly what I did.   Dan keeps trying to fill me in, I feel so stupid…..I am so scared.  I keep thinking  “What the hell am I going to be like when I am fifty,  if I am this bad now!”  I just  do not get it.  I eat right, do what I am suppose to do with my insulin injections…..It was nice for awhile,  I was going without any real bad lows or seizures, my memory and confidence was coming back, I felt more stable to talk around people – I knew what I was doing and if I was going low, I was able to catch it and manage it on my own; and then BAM!  I just want to crawl into a hole and die…..I am tired and don’t want to do this anymore- I want to get off the rollercoaster ride….Get off permanently!!!!! I AM SO DONE – JUST DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE .  It makes me sick to think of what my life is going to be like – or what it will be like and I can’t remember it or miss things.    It is so unfair to Dan – he does not deserve this, he is a great guy and deserves so much more……..He did not sign on for this – I am stuck with the cards I was dealt…..he could hand his cards in.  I would not blame him if he did. 

Well enough of my venting……Going to make the best of today.  On that note, I say “Of all the things I lost, it is my mind I miss the most!!”

Another Sunday goes by

Well, this weekend started off okay, yesterday was absolutely beautiful out, a definite tease for the weather – sunny and warm.  So Dan and I started I spring cleaning,,,,,we had lunch on the deck.  We then decided to take a break from cleaning and brought my coat to the furrier in Northvale –  took a nice ride – it was so nice out.  I came home made dinner and we ate outside (I love eating out there – Dan always make it look so beautiful for me – I just hope we will still have it to enjoy the way things are going).  I cleaned up and then took a ride with Dan to Home Depot to get a drill bit for making a hole in one of our big cermaic pots (cobalt blue/real pretty) for proper water drainage.  

And from that point on, well I have been spending  all of Sunday  morning to afternoon trying to remember what happened next.  I had a bad sugar low and can’t remember anything……I just feel the after affects……a slamming headache, my muscles hurt and my   belly is absolutely killing me.   My plans for continuing my spring cleaning have been altered and I just feel horrible not being able to remember.   I look at Dan and he says not to worry, I was not to much trouble…..but I know he is not telling the truth, he looks tired and worried……he has so much on his plate and I just make matters worse.  I just wish I could find a hole and stay there – this way I can not make things worse. 

 Dan keeps saying we have to go into the city for the pump and get it started……I keep saying no – what is the point we can’t afford it and I don’t want to make our financial situation worse……god knows we are struggling and at the rock bottom….next is  have nothing.

The only good thing is we have each other…..for me at least.  He would be better without me – it would be easier.  But he makes me laugh and want to be there for him, as has for me……I wish  I could make things better – even a little.  So another Sunday goes by and a new week starts,  may be someone will hear my  prayers and my dreams of winning the lottery – does not have to be much,- will be answered and I can give back. LOL

  And Dan I just want to tell you, if I have not already……..I LOVE YOU SO MUCH…..THANK YOU …. I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING A BURDEN!