Tag Archives: cargiver

Just Want To Say Thanks

I just want to say Thank you to a very special man in my life.  This man is my hero,  my inspiration and best friend, he is my rock and lover.  Thank you for making mothers day special…….I can not tell you how much I love you – there are no words that can express how much.  And although I may not act it, and get frustrated, and take it out on you…….I truly appreciate all you do for me and the patience you have when I am not so nice (when I am not me)…..I just wanted to say that,  every day is special  because of you.  I love you and thanks again.

Bad Night

Yes, another real bad night……full blown mess.  Woke up feeling worse than ever, and in different clothes which mean it was bad and  Dan had to get me in shower and then redress me. I woke up on couch all bundled up in blankets and Dan slepping next to me. He said it happened at 1:00AM and that he got me to bed by 3:30 AM and then he cleaned up and got to bed at 4:30 AM and we got up at 7:00AM…  I am so tired of this…..I hope this pump will help  or I do not know what Iwill do……Just am so tired of the whole situation.  I keep trying to keep a positive attitude, in hopes that things will change and they just keep getting worse.  My heart breaks everytime I look into Dan’s eyes…..how much more can he take.  I don’t know how much more I can either.

What A Weekend

You know that old saying  “When shit happens, it really happens”  well, this weekend was one of those weekends.   It started early Saturday morning, I got up and Dan was still in bed, when I heard this loud,  tumbling sound in my  bedroom, I came running into the room, I thought something happened to Dan.  He was okay – just laying there with a look on his face, I asked him what was that noise, and he just pointed to my closet (a big 10ft closet).   Yes, my total closet had collapsed – everything had fallen off the walls, so bad I could not even get the door open.  So now all  the work I just did – rearranging the closet for change of seasons was a complete waste.   So Dan and I laughed (he teased and laughed – I wanted to cry, especially because this chore is my lease favorite one) we got dressed and headed to Home Depot to repair my closet,,,,,,In the back of my mind  – I had this big fear the other 8ft closet was next to go….So we decided to redo both of them (and a good thing – it was minutes from tearing from the wall).  So  that is what we did all weekend, and then we went for power walks for one hour each day, got plenty of fresh air, Dan did all the mulching, and I continue to do my weekend chores, and cooking.   I had several lows, one which was scary  for me, Dan was outside mulching and I dropped down to 29 and just could not get myself together to get help – it took me about 35 minutes to pull myself together and manage to get to Dan..  This reallly scared the hell out of me.  I was so sweaty and  disoriented,,,,,,I can not even tell you what I did before or during……not much , because I am still doing my closets.  Since that low, I have had a terrible headache that will not go away and my stomach is constantly upset, everything I eat hurts.  It just sucks!!!  I feel I am in slow motion.

Today,  started a new week, I still have the symptoms from the last bad sugar low.  I do not get it, my sugar is all over and I just feel so off.  I find myself coming out of lows that I did not know were happening and when I catch them- I can not recall what I was doing before.  I really  feel like I am loosing my mind completely – I am afraid to speak at times – because I have a hard time finding the words to express my thoughts…..not to mentioned feeling miserable mentally, physically, and appearance – forget that – another mess; between my face being puffy,  eyes tearing……the word UGLY fits.  But I guess I should not complain – as people tell me, you are alive……my answer – great,   be me for a couple of days, or even one and see how lucky you  feel.   I am sorry – I am just venting.  Tomorrow will be better I hope……..going to be trained on new pump.

A Terrible Feeling Of Fear

I woke this morning and I have had this haunting feeling of fear and depression (not to mention my normal aches and pains).  I guess the weather is not helping, it is dreary and the thunder is roaring loud , and it is pouring outside cats and dogs.  I am looking out the window, listening to Dan talk to clients, trying to solve problems with their real estate deals, and them complaining about situations in their lives, little things.  I sit here and think, what if they were in our situation.  I mean we have people complaining to us that something like their dog peaed on the floor, or they have to hang a picture, etc……..the world is coming to end for them,   SHIT – LISTEN TO  YOURSELVES,  if that is a problem, I will take it in a heartbeat. 

What would they do if they were in our shape……having no savings or money to pay bills, due to the  constant medical issues – which will never end,  lack of business because real estate is slow,  worried about loosing our house, lack of health insurance for Dan, etc….I could go on, but we keep going and we never let on.  God I just want jump into on-coming traffic if I could get the nerve too.  I know we all have problems, and they are big to us,  but believe me they are really not that bad……there is others that have it worse……be thankful for what you have and especially if you have your health.  That is the key, without it, life really does suck, the pain, worries and side-effects are always haunting and diablilitating.   Trust me, I know.   I guess I am just venting,  I am frustrated and tired of struggling and seeing my rock, beating himself up trying.  We just never get a break – even a little one.   I thought putting this into words would make me feel a little better emotionally – well it didn’t…….I think I have depressed myself even more.  Well that really sucked, this writting is suppose to help me – Good job Kris.

A Readers Note To Me

 I received this letter in a comment to one of my posts and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Kris, I have read your story and your blog over the last 30 days and my heart goes out to you and Dan. I currently live in Chicago but use to live in New York with my wife and 3 children. My wife was stricken with a rare brain cancer 9 years ago and we saw every doctor in the city that we could for help. We tried lots of things that insurance didn’t cover and we had to go bankrupt and sell our house that was not the bad part to my story. I was ok with losing everything I wasn’t ok with losing my wife.  Seven years ago I came home from the food market to find my wife dead. I had only left her an hour. In the days to come I found out that she had killed herself.  She had told me over those past 2 years dealing with the cancer that she didn’t want to ruin my life with all her pain and financially ruin our family. When we used the girl’s college funds to pay for expenses she was so depressed. Well Kris she gave up thinking it would be best for me. From that day on for the next 4 years my life has spiraled out of control. From drinking, to  prescription drugs to street drugs to being homeless. Today I can tell you that my life has turned around and I am off the street and  I have a small 1 br apartment and my girls are starting to be back in my life. I am work again as a deli manager. My career before my wife was sick was trader on the floor of the stock exchange. I could have dealt with my wife passing. I could have dealt with losing our house and material thing.  But I couldn’t deal with her killing herself. I blamed myself for that. I wanted to share my story with you because I see that you don’t want to press on in your fight and you feel like you are dragging your husband under. Trust me when I tell you from being on his side he doesn’t care! Let him keep fighting to find you help and family and friends will try and help you financially, don’t be too proud to except help from family, friends and strangers. My wife and I were too proud to except help and that was a big mistake. I don’t know if you believe in god or not but that doesn’t matter. Believe in people, your friends and family. I will be keeping my eye on you via this blog so please don’t give up the fight.

R. Fallon

Just Don’t Get It

I just don’t get …….Again today another low, at least this time we caught it before it went to a seizure……..I am so done with this,  totally discussed that know matter how hard I try and keep my blood checked it still swings this bad.   Even the beautiful weather it could not change how depressed I am……..On that note,  my only choices are to give up or try again tomorrow.

The Small Things That Matter

Had a nice relaxing evening so far……made dinner for Dan and my sister Erika came over to just hang out with us (chicken with  rice and salad)    We then all watched the movie  on cable “The Hangover”  it is a great movie, Dan and I saw it before, Erika never did……it was fun,  had us laughing from the beginnning to end…..Bradley Cooper is just eye candy… yummy for the eyes…….It was a real nice evening….I had a sugar low (caught before my sister got to the house) but it was a pleasure after last night…..I accomplished  watching the whole movie without a problem and remembering what I saw is a good thing….now I hope to get thru the night into the morning….. busy day ahead.  Got all the winter clothes out of the drawers and closets ….yes, I am on a role, now to pack them away and put summer out.  Good night I hope!

Holy Crap – Major Melt Down

I woke this morning not knowing where I was or how I got to bed, the last thing I remember was going for a walk with Dan.  I had a real bad sugar low, then seizure and Dan manage to stabilize me.   So when I got home from my walk  I went to write  on my blog,  I realize that I definitely had a problem, as my last entry shows……Holy Crap – I am so embarrassed, not only do I not remember the whole evening from the walk on, my brain had a major melt down, as you can see on my last entry.  I don’t remember writing, and my typing/spelling  as well as thought process was shot…..Don’t ask me what I was trying to say.  

This is why the  new sensor they came out with  is so important……it would detect a pattern in  my sugar moving in the wrong direction up to 45 min. in advance of me having a problem and set an alarm off so I could get sugar into me and turn pump off…….now I don’t even feel it coming on ( I use to)……and if I do it is to late cause I can’t express it.  I feel so stupid and mad writing the way I did last night on here…….All I can say is I am sorry.  I should just paste  a sign on my back “I am sorry in advance”.

Well, I can not change things…..just move on and hope another episode does not take place today and I get a days break. It’s the back to back one that really do damage to my brain. Dan is even more upset then me because he feels bad when he can’t catch it in time. Now he is telling me that he is going to get that sensor one way or another in the next month or so. I reminded him that the sensor is a one time fee  and the supplies are what will just be another monthly bill we don’t need or can afford.  Well….. I have  a lot to do, weekend cleaning and chores, change over clothes from winter to summer (how I hate that job), run errands with Dan,  and try to keep a smile my on face,  when all I want to do is cry with my head pounding ( I will have that for the next few days after a seizure).  Oh well, better get started. One of our friends told Dan and I about a neighbor that killed herself the other day by sitting in the car with it running and the garage door shut. Dan felt so bad for the woman that she had no other choice but to do that…….I felt good for the woman because I know how it feels to not want to be around any longer and be a financial burden on my family.  Why should Dan loss everything  he worked so hard for in life and have suck a stress daily life? I was jealous of the woman who ended it all.

Exercise

Dan and I went for a walk tonight and now I’m home and working out on the big ball doing m sit ups. I try ad do 250 in morning and 250 at nigt.  It’s one of the last few thgs I still candoon my own withouteeding Danaroud t watch m do ing it. I try and sty  shapasss much a can since the seizur breeac me dow       so muc.  I  nned to come back latte to talk more cause  not felin so good right now Idon’t wan to get hurt myself i need to stop  for th fathr rig yuuu o  well  ff  heshere now immgowant to wthhiim hope it ok soonn noplain

New Page & New Pictures

I asked Dan to put a new page on my blog, Contact Kris and Dan. This page gives our mailing address and phone number. I also put about 50 new picture of my family,friends and me………Hope you like them.