New Year……New start

As much as I am happy 2014 has gone and over, and it is a new year…….I am internally feeling miserable. Besides my health just all around sucking…….I am just mentally sad. It just seems another year is here and I am not doing anything but existing. I feel empty and like a complete failure and have no purpose in life………I don’t expect anyone to understand. Yes, everyone thinks my life is wonderful, and it is; I have a wonderful husband, a home , nice things and go to nice places/vacations…..but I am missing my freedom to do what I want, and when I want. I am limited to my health condition…..I have no control which is really getting to me, more and more each day. I JUST HATE MY LIFE AND MYSELF…….I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to wake up and do what I want, like go to the Gym and workout, or drive to work by myself….get into the car and drive or go to the stores without asking Dan to take me…….I want to work, feel like an equal. I sit at the office everyday just wanting to jump out of my skin…….it is making me sick inside. I look in the mirror and hate what I see, and what I am becoming. I know Dan tries to accommodate, and will take me places when I ask him, but he does not look at me as an equal……(I am a burden….he is my care giver……He does not realize he is even doing it – and god forbid if I talk to him about how I am feeling…..He says he does count me an equal, but he does everyday, without even knowing it). I have lost myself and it is depressing me so bad.

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