Sorry for not writing the last couple of days, but I do not know where the days have gone. I truely mean this. I know the last couple of days I have had a several lows, and some back to back (especially one in the office – thank god I did not do anything bad or something which I would been embarrassed about), but the thing that worries me is I do not remember anything upto – during- or after that time. All I can remember is the after effects (the pain and sickness) and Dan telling me about the course of events. This is all very upsetting to me and makes me so angry – besides I feel horrible putting this burden on Dan. Like he (we) have enough of things to worry about – bills, business, and my health and daily situations – it is so frustrating – I just want to jump off a very high bridge – but knowing my luck I would live and have a broken back or something.
I am also very worried about Dan – he always seems so upbeat and in control – but I know him all to well – the stress is in his eyes……this makes me feel worse. I just wish things would get better for him, he is trying so hard to keep things together,,,,He needs something good to happen – god knows he deserves it.
What I do remember was having dinner with my sister and the girls Sunday nite…she made Pasta and meatballs, I made my salad, and Dan made a apple pie……..it was really good. We hung out for a while – the girls love talking and playing with Dan….”They love their Uncle Dan” that is for sure.
Came home and was so tired……it was great just having fun with them, but back to reality…..I wish that I was healthy, that I did not put us in this financial mess, and that I could work and be of some help……I have such a terrible feeling of uselessness. It sucks….I just want to go to sleep and wake up with something good. Please, Please just something good…..for Dan at least, he is working so hard. I am so afraid.