I just want to clearify my last entry……. It was brought to my attention that I am unhappy with Dan……and that is the furthest thing from the truth. I am a just so unhappy with my situation and I am frustrated, these feelings have been building up for the last ten years….I HATE THEM, THEY ARE CONSTANT DEMONS! Dan has tried and continues everyday to be supportive and understanding…..He goes out of his way to make things better,……but somethings are beyond his control, He can not fix everything……eventhough he does his best trying. What I feel is within me and how I feel about my self……….It is no ones fault, this is what life has dealt me and I have to fine a place where I can except the situation and be at peace within myself. I just have not found it and it is a constant struggle……..no one can make it better for me.
I just wanted to make this clear, and it is a battle I must fight on my own. I also just want to state, this blog helps me get these frustrated feelings out, or they would EAT me up……so if I sound negative most of the time I am sorry and I am truly trying to work on this……And that is why, I go periods of time where I don’t write. It is not easy always being positive and having a smile on my face……….I would love to be that person, but I am not……I am sorry in advance. But I can make you one promise…….I am trying and working on it everyday……..I apologize to those who I have hurt and offended. Thank you for understanding!!!!!
As much as I am happy 2014 has gone and over, and it is a new year…….I am internally feeling miserable. Besides my health just all around sucking…….I am just mentally sad. It just seems another year is here and I am not doing anything but existing. I feel empty and like a complete failure and have no purpose in life………I don’t expect anyone to understand. Yes, everyone thinks my life is wonderful, and it is; I have a wonderful husband, a home , nice things and go to nice places/vacations…..but I am missing my freedom to do what I want, and when I want. I am limited to my health condition…..I have no control which is really getting to me, more and more each day. I JUST HATE MY LIFE AND MYSELF…….I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to wake up and do what I want, like go to the Gym and workout, or drive to work by myself….get into the car and drive or go to the stores without asking Dan to take me…….I want to work, feel like an equal. I sit at the office everyday just wanting to jump out of my skin…….it is making me sick inside. I look in the mirror and hate what I see, and what I am becoming. I know Dan tries to accommodate, and will take me places when I ask him, but he does not look at me as an equal……(I am a burden….he is my care giver……He does not realize he is even doing it – and god forbid if I talk to him about how I am feeling…..He says he does count me an equal, but he does everyday, without even knowing it). I have lost myself and it is depressing me so bad.
All I can say is thank god this year has ended……It was a terrible year……filled with sadness, sickness, death of loved ones and dear friends a lot of hard times and drama. Yes, it was a very successful year for business and the office, and the great friends and relationships that were made thru the year……something that I would not change; but besides that This year could not end fast enough. I am not going to rehash the past….sad and painful, yesterday was the past……..Looking forward to tomorrow, the future and the good things to come. Quick and short and to the point………BYE BYE, FAREWELL 2014!!!!!!!