Okay, I am trying to control the craziness with my sugars…..going back to wearing the pump. Can I just OMG, I forgot how much it hurts when Dan put the needle in my stomach and let me say when using the bathroom…….it hurts when you forget the pump is attached to your pants….lol. Just another thing to remember….this should be interesting and fun. NOT!!!! Well I am looking trying to find a positive side. Doctors on Monday, Now that is never positive!!! This will be Mondays talk between the doctors and Dan. Dan will come up with new ideas to try and they will say hummmm we could try that but you know there really isn’t much more we can do then we already are doing. We can try and control pain if you want?
This weekend just seemed like it flew by…….the weather was absolutely beautiful…not to hot and lots of sunshine….just perfect. Saturday- Dan and I took a ride into Nyack, NY and had a beautiful lunch in Piermont on the water and walked around. Then I went and got a mani/pedi while Dan ran to the office. I made a nice fish dinner and then we went into Ridgewood to see the movie THE JERSEY BOYS…..the threatre was packed…not an empty seat. It was a great movie….learned things about Frankie Valle I never new. Sunday – got up early and did my usual weekend chores…..exercised and sat on the back deck for an hour soaking in the sun…..while Dan went to do an Open House in Woodcliff Lake. I then got ready (made a big salad) to brig down to Erika’s house for the Bella’s Graduation Celebration. I was neverous and excited at the same time…..I was driving there by myself and Dan was going to meet after the open house……yes, I got some freedom. I had to keep m sugar high to get there…..so of course by the time I arrived my sugar was so high……550, I was a stroke waiting to happen, I felt like shit….head, stomach and heart hurt so bad. But as usual I put my happy face and pants on, never let on the pain I was in. I enjoyed the time with my family, the twins – Olivia and Marcos; Maya and Bella, my sister’s Erika and Kathleen, Marcos and Dan. It was fun…..ate good food, watch the soccer game, played with kids….Had dessert/graduation cake on the deck…….It was a perfect time……just wished that I felt better. *****A big break thru, which made me feel so happy……Marcos, when he saw me came over on his own and out of the blue, he said…..”aunt Krissy I love you so much and gave me a big kiss and hug”……God, I melted like butter…..he made my day. After a long day of family, I went home and prepared my meals for Monday……..I was asleep like a rock, before my head even touched the pillow. JUST A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!!
God do I feel like shit. I was hoping that I would feel some relief…..I thought that the traveling was adding to me feeling like crap, but it is not the case. My symptoms are just getting progressively worse……so bad that I have made an appointment to see my doctor in the city. Good news I got an appointment, bad news the earliest he can take me is not until June 30th…..It is going to be a very long couple of days. I am a little worried about Dan, he has not been feeling that well either…..he is not his happy and chipper self. You could say the two of us are big mess……it just sucks feeling like crap.
The next couple of days are very busy, appointment with our past client tonight…..Bella’s graduation Friday night in Lyndhurst, Her graduation party on Sunday….Open house on Sunday…..very busy. Looking forward to seeing everyone Sunday,,,,,,,,I love spending time with my nieces and nephew, and my sisters. I wish I could spend more time with them…….but it is so hard to see them as much as would like……but I can not just get up and go (without Dan),,,,,,,,,It sucks for him.
I just want to Thank my wonderful husband and best friend for a great weekend in South Beach. It was a perfect trip and I could not have had a better time……(just wished I didn’t feel so shitty). It felt so good to get away ….we stayed at the Loews in South Beach. Relaxed by the pool….walked along the beach and the main drag, had great breakfasts at this cute café…….great dinners, and every day came back to our room with different treats of chocolates, wines, cheeses and fruits….compliments of Danny K and his wife ( Danny is an agent in our office……it was so nice of them). We had a little mis-hap with Dan breaking his glasses….but we got them fixed at the local mall and shopped. I cannot say it enough, it was a perfect weekend……… THANKS AGAIN DAN,,,I HAD THE BEST TIME!!!
Woke this morning feeling a little better that yesterday…….but I am determined to have a positive outlook for today. I have a lot to do with Dan….take new agents on caravan to see homes. No time to give into the bullshit of my sucky health…..Just want it to be as normal as possible.
So far so good…..I was able to work out and managed to make this entry…..moving along…..wish me luck.
As the day goes on…..I still feel shakey….my head is still killing me. My thoughts are scattered and it is really pissing me off. I keep trying to put the events of the last two day in order…..which I have not been able to do successfully. I just want to go home, go to bed and start all over tomorrow.
I know Dan and I are going to Nagoya (our favorite place for Sushi…..going to visit our friend Steve)…..I am so looking forward to having Sushi and not having to cook dinner.
This day is taking forever to end…….Hopefully, after dinner I will get together clothes for my long weekend with Dan…..I am so looking forward to it. Dan needs to take a break…….I am counting the minutes.
Mondays are always crazy. So I got up early, mad breakfast, worked out and was ready to go into work with Dan……I must of had a low during the night….because I really felt like shit…..but I did not say anything to Dan, he did not need anymore stress to his day. He had a lot of things to take care of….had an important meeting with an agent he was trying to recruit. From here on cannot remember….must of had bad sugar low…..sitting in Boston Market across from Dan, and him asking me if I felt better….Do not remember anything….just had the worst headache and felt like shit. Dan had that face of concern on……especially since he had a town meeting, which meant he would have to leave me alone for a couple of hours. I just went home….made meals for the next day and went straight to bed…..I felt so sick, everything hurt…..even my hair on the back of my neck……not good.
Sorry a little behind…… had a few sugar lows and it has been a little tough to collect my thoughts. I swear I feel like days go by…..and I can not remember anything or my thoughts are there, but I cannot put the words together to express myself. It really scares me……What happens we I get older and really start loosing it…….I guess on a bright side – what will it matter I will not know….Not funny…..It scares me to death and is very depressing.
Anyway, what I can remember of the rest of the weekend……Sunday, Dan left me for a few hours so he could do some work at the office…..I stayed home because I was not feeling so good. I laided out in the sun on my deck and cleaned the house. Then I went and got my nails done…..made dinner….. I think…something like that. Watched some TV with Dan…..and I guess fell asleep. So it was a relaxing and fun
Woke this morning to sunny skies. Just wished I felt as sunny. I must have had a sugar low, during the night….my hair was in ringlets and both and Stomach and head were killing me….I felt as if I was hit by a truck several times (which is nothing unusual….but today was a little worse). I made breakfast for Dan and I….while eating Dan asked if I wanted to go to the city and spend the day….walk around, shop and get something to eat there…..He knows how I just love it there…..watching people, walking around…….my response was give me an hour and I will be ready!!!! (Secretly praying I could pull myself together and feel better. It took me a little longer than hour……I was still feeling like shit, but I was not going to ruin his plans…..I was determined to go and we did). We took the roadster convertible in…….It was great. I just love being in the city…..the people……it is just fun……………and most of all being with Dan – no work. We went down to Canal Street, Little Italy……Had Italian Geloto….Shopped….Got Leechi’s…..had dinner….watched people…..walked so more (a lot of walking) got a lot of sun…..it was very hot…….and then we drove thru the city with the top down……it was a perfect day……just what I needed….Thank you baby. On the way home with stopped at the office to water the plants and watch the Belmont horse race…….then went home for the evening…….It was a long, but perfect day.
What is my purpose? This question has been a question I keep asking myself……and never…truly find an answer. I feel like a nothing. I can not stand to be me……lately I wish I could just stop the world and jump off. I am so sad and lonely inside……nothing makes me happy. I wish things were different and felt good in general. I am tired of feeling sick and in pain……just for one day. I wish I had my independence back….be able to do what I want, come and go as I please and not feel like a burden to anyone………I truly hate life big time. I am so upset, I cannot find the words to express how miserable I am feeling……If I had the guts I would end it all……..but I know it would not be fair to those I love (although they would be better off, they just don’t know it). God, I can not even talk about it…….I just want to crawl in a hole and cry. I am gonna go for a walk….maybe I will get lucky and find a hole.
Well, I went for a very long walk…….1 1/2 miles……to absolutely no where…..It did not help….just became more frustrated and upset. Just had bad thoughts of how life would be better if I was not here……better for Dan…..just wish I was selfish enough and had the balls. This is scary.
Well……Dan threw another great advent. The weather held out, he had a lot of agents from other offices/ companies come, it was a real nice time and big success. I am so proud of him, and so happy everything went well……I know this means so much to him….the party was the topic of conversation……as always. I am just happy for him.