Monthly Archives: January 2013

Thank god for the Happy in Happy Hump Day……because there is nothing happy about today. It is so ugly out…..grey, dreary and foggy, and the temperature is starting to drop again and it keeps raining on and off. I hate days like this…….makes me more depressed. I am definitely a sunny, warm, blue waters and island type of girl. I am always just so happy, in St Maarten…..Even when I am not feeling well there……just a great environment/world. I definitely would want to retire there, or lease live there 3-4 months out of the year at a time.

Just got off the phone with my mother……she was all upset. My father and her were driving into town when there car broke down and would not start back up…….which is not a good sign since they were planning to drive out here on Monday to visit us and help Kathleen. They do not know what is wrong with the car, besides the obvious, the car is just “old”. I was worried about them driving across the country, in the winter weather, their age – not fifty any more….and now this. As much as I want to see them and miss them…….I am/was so worried about them driving here and going back home. So now everything is in the air, whether they will come or not….and if they do…..I will be so worried/ a reck until they get here and get back. Another thing to worry about and stress about.

Something is definitely missing in my life.
Yes, I have a wonderful husband who I love with all my heart……and my health is horrible and is what it is, and is not going to get better. I am thankful that Dan is so understanding and willing to make the necessary sacrifices in his life to compensate for my health issues, but it does not feel good living everyday, or should I say existing.
I sometimes wish it would all end, it would be better for all parties involved. I feel like I do not have any value…….no purpose. I try to have a positive outlook everyday, but it is always put to a quick end with this terrible feeling that never goes away. Going from being independent and free willed, to a prisioner of the world I live in now; which I am suppose to be thankful for, is really depressing and sad. It kills me not being able to work, from being a top realtor, which I loved doing, to being a nobody……..there is just nothing to look forward to………I go where I am told…..I have to act the way I am expected too, and I am told how I should feel; that I should be grateful I am alive……my answer to that is Bullshit!! I am not my own person…….I am what everyone wants me to be, I hate feeling this way……it is eating me up inside……I pretend to be happy and just want to stop it all.

I thought that by venting I would feel a little better. But the feelings are still there, and seemed to magnified…..which is scary.

I just want to go home, crawl into bed and go to sleep, but of course I cannot just leave……I need to be wait till it is time to go.
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This weekend was very busy…..
Saturday, I did the usual errands and chores……cleaned the house, changed the bedding, did laundry and food shopped. I prepared dinner and went to the movies with Dan to see PARKER with Jennifer Lopez…..it was actually very good, and Dan was in his glories…He just loves Jennifer. We saw an early movie, which was good, so I was able to come home and make the meals for Sunday, going to his parents – which I am not looking forward to but, he has not seen them in 2-3 weeks, and he is looking forward to it.

Sunday, we got up early and I made a nice breakfast, cleaned up, and got ready for the journey to South Jersey, I felt sick to my stomach…..more than usual….probably just nerves and anxiety (seems to be the case everytime I go to see them, and I know Dan is also uneasy – but he will never admit it.) The ride was not bad….at least there was no traffic. And then the fun began……we had to eat lunch right away…..everything is a rush,,,,,,the yelling started (Dan’s mother yelling at his father and her arguing with Dan; it is just so unpleasant to be there……and I sit in the corner not saying a word – because they can’t hear me so you have to scream or I am being critized for something by his mother, which then makes everything tense,,,,,,especially between Dan and I, because he is always nervous there will be a blow out between me and his mom. So I try not to say anything ….to keep peace and let Dan do all (the list of things his mom has for him or just let him devote the day to them)…..But then Dan gets mad at me, because I am not being social – I never win,,,,,,This is all the time and why I hate going there……I wish it was not the case, but it is and it sucks. Their time is limited….Life is too short to have all this negativity and horrible memories and feelings.

I must say Dan is a wonderful son…..he has the patience of a saint and puts up with so much crap…..his mother just argues, yells, or belittles him…..it just makes me so sad and upset, she is never satisfied or thankful…….I know she is old, but his father is 3 years older and is just such a pleasure. I find it amazing that Dan is the man he is…….so nice and loving, despite being treated so terrible like this by his mother his whole life……it just kills me and makes me sick to my stomach, ( I know if he reads this – he will be very upset with me, but I have to vent……I cannot keep it inside like he does………..It hurts me deep inside to see such a good and loving man, be constantly mistreated all the time. I hate it!!!! Needless to say, it will take me until his dad’s bithday to recover……he will be 90 on February 19th…..he wants to go to AC for a couple hours…..Dan would move the Moon for his Dad…..so that will be the next time we will be going down there. I have time to prepare.

Today, Monday is a big day for Dan. He is signing a big agent from Coldwell Banker……..I can tell he is anxious. But I keep telling him he is good/great at what he does…..”You will do find and I am so proud of you…….I am your biggest fan and love you.” I know I will get in trouble for saying this too……”you are being to sappy,etc……but I am entitled to my opinion and it is my blog…….so if I am offensive, “I am sorry.”

I just want to go home…….not feeling so good. I feel like the weather, horrible…..just feeling very depressed too.

TGIF = another cold day, and I still cannot get warm.
Today, Dan and I got a nice surprise from our dear friend Steve of Nagoya…..he made us lunch and delivered it to the office. Sushi, yum. It was so good……Steve is a good friend, him and his wife Sandy are just truely great people…….they are so loving and sincere. I love when I listen to Dan and Steve talk……when they talk Chinglish…….it is so funny. Steve has such an infectious laugh…….you can not help to smile….I just love him!!!!!

Well, so much for hoping to feeling better, since it is a new day. NOT Happening. I woke feeling just as bad as yesterday, more scattered in my thoughts due to a bad sugar low before leaving the office last night, and the chill has taken a permanent residency in my body. No matter what I do, I cannot get warm……it is so frustrating….I could jump out of my skin. I need to be in Paradise where there is only blue skies, lots of sun, warmth in the air and beautiful waters……soon, another day closer.

Not much exciting happening…….pretty much a boring day. Just waiting for Dan to finish his day at the office, and I will go home and make dinner. I plan on making Salmon for dinner and vegetables. After I clean up, ….I will do the usual routine….making the meals for the next day, try to work out….and get into pj’s and relax……..keep warm.
Pretty much a boring life……..I wish I could do something of some importance…..I feel like I am just existing……I want to have a purpose. I want to be able to have some meaning in life.

It is absolutely freezing outside……just plain miserable…..but at lease the sun is shining and it is not snowing. I just feel terrible…..I have a very bad headache and stomach ache….just dragging my ass and all I want to do is sleep….my thoughts are very scattered and I do not feel myself. I hate when I feel more worse than usual…..I am not a happy camper. I just want to put my pj’s on ….my warm fuzzy socks…..crawl under the blankets in my bed or make a nice little spot on the couch and vegetate. I hoping that this will pass and tomorrow I will feel better and have more energy…….cause the last two days have just been awful, I hate complaining, but I really feel like shit. And to top it off, I now have a chill…I cannot get warm….sitting in the car with my fur coat on and the seats heated to max is just not cutting it. I keep telling myself , soon, (keep in the back of your mind,,,,,,10 months…..and Dan and I can go back to our second home…….St. Maarten……Our Paradise). Until then I have to think of things to make me happy and to entertain myself. At least I have my parents coming to visit in a couple weeks ,,,,,,,,I can not wait to see them.