Sorry I have not wrote much lately, but haven’t felt much like writing. We didn’t go to St Maarten this Thanksgiving. My health has been getting worse and the quality of my life is changing as well. This past week I have had so many seizures and lost day of memory and endless pain that I’m really wishing to not continue any longer. I’m tired of the pain I feel and the pain I cause Dan. The seizures are taking such a toll on my brain that simple things like speaking and writing are not so simple for me anymore. My health condition has cost us so much money and stops Dan from making the money that he could make if I wasn’t here. Stress is a major cause of me having extra seizures and when you know that you are the cause of our financial situation you can’t help from being stressed out. Dan tells me not to worry but I see the worry on his face and know we can’t keep going down this path.
After a week of Dan saving me time after time and no memory of what happend,waking up not being able to move my right arm or leg or be able to speak and hearing Dan tell me to shout my eyes and rest and when I wake back up I will have use of them again. My heart pounds out of my chest when I can’t speak or move and Dan holds me tight and whispers in my ear we are a team, we will get thru it together just hang in there! He gets so mad at me when I tell him not to help me anymore and just let me go but he doesn’t understand that it’s not the life I want anymore, I’m tired….I’m mentally drained and don’t want to be the one who causes us to lose everything.
Last night Dan and I were going to my sisters house for my birthday dinner. Dan kept me together all day without a major problem. I was making a salad to bring with us. That’s the last thing I remember. I woke up about 4 hours later not feeling my arms or legs or being able to speak. Dan was laying next to me. He told me to just lay still and I would fell better in a bit. I could see that something was wrong with Dan the way he was laying next to me. I tried to speak to ask him what was wrong but I couldn’t get the words out. He lay next to me holding my hand and rubbing my head. When I woke back up and could speak a little I asked him what was wrong. He told me that when he carried me into the bathroom I grabbed him around his neck and pulled tight as I was having a seizure and he hurt his neck/back and he was in some pain and couldn’t get up. Now we both lay in bed and phone was ringing off the hook since we never showed up to my sisters both my sister and parents were calling every 2 minutes to see if I was ok. The phones were in the kitchen so I crawled from the bed to the kitchen to get the phone since Dan couldn’t get up. I felt terrible that I injured him. Well 24 hours later he is popping pain pills and laying flat on his back in bed worried about me and what if he falls asleep and I have a problem? He keeps telling me not to worry about him, his health, money ect…. but that isn’t possible….I wish I could do something for him to relieve the stress off him. I really wish their was a way I could raise money and relief the stress he feels trying to keep us afloat but since that isn’t going to happen I think about running away in the middle of the night where he can’t find me and help me and I have a seizure and end this nightmare for both of us. Please don’t think I’m selfish because I know the pain I would cause my family at first but in the long run its the best for everyone is I go. The doctors gave me 18 months to live 7 years ago. I put up a go fight, I did what everyone asked of me to keep fighting. Dan and the doctors always showed me a light ant the end of the tunnel but now I don’t see a light anymore.