Sorry for not writing the last couple of days, but I do not know where the days have gone. I truely mean this. I know the last couple of days I have had a several lows, and some back to back (especially one in the office – thank god I did not do anything bad or something which I would been embarrassed about), but the thing that worries me is I do not remember anything upto – during- or after that time. All I can remember is the after effects (the pain and sickness) and Dan telling me about the course of events. This is all very upsetting to me and makes me so angry – besides I feel horrible putting this burden on Dan. Like he (we) have enough of things to worry about – bills, business, and my health and daily situations – it is so frustrating – I just want to jump off a very high bridge – but knowing my luck I would live and have a broken back or something.
I am also very worried about Dan – he always seems so upbeat and in control – but I know him all to well – the stress is in his eyes……this makes me feel worse. I just wish things would get better for him, he is trying so hard to keep things together,,,,He needs something good to happen – god knows he deserves it.
What I do remember was having dinner with my sister and the girls Sunday nite…she made Pasta and meatballs, I made my salad, and Dan made a apple pie……..it was really good. We hung out for a while – the girls love talking and playing with Dan….”They love their Uncle Dan” that is for sure.
Came home and was so tired……it was great just having fun with them, but back to reality…..I wish that I was healthy, that I did not put us in this financial mess, and that I could work and be of some help……I have such a terrible feeling of uselessness. It sucks….I just want to go to sleep and wake up with something good. Please, Please just something good…..for Dan at least, he is working so hard. I am so afraid.
Although I had a restless sleep last night, and tossed all night, I did not have any seizures or lows…..that is a good thing. I am trying to keep a POSITIVE mind and outlook today.
The day started as usual – check my sugar (pricked my finger and the blood sprayed all over me and the wall, yes still thinking positive) had breakfast with Dan and cleaned up. I then worked out doing my sit-ups on the ball and some weights for my arms…..just not feeling good – but will not this stand in my way. I showered and was getting ready when I suddenly felt really dizzy and hot – checked my sugar and it dropped down to 25……I quickly got sugar shots (4 bottles) it came up – but now I feel shaky and lost. So much for trying to be positive. Thank god – I had a symptom – That would have been all I needed to have Dan find me unconcious…..that’s is the positive – I guess it just really sucks……I do not want to go thru this anymore. Just go to sleep and not wake up – no worries- done. That would be to easy. Hopefully, the rest of day gets better – meeting some friends for dinner and want to be aware and together, we have not seen them in awhile, looking forward to hearing some good news about his health – cancer has stopped spreading……..I am so happy for him. He has been thru so much and deserves something positive. I am still waiting for mine – and being alive is just not go enough for me. Oh well, the day is not over yet.
Well it has been an extrememly exhausting and stressful few days, which ended in a victory for Dan and his candidate for Mayor. All Dan’s hardwork and support for Billy paid off in victory….a new Mayor, with new ideas…….but most of all new friends. I am very excited for our new Mayor and I am happy that Dan was able to help, I know it meant alot to him, and he his happy inside. He deserves something good, he did a great job and I am so proud of him. But I must say in the same breathe I glad it is over…….it exhausting and very stressful……politics is very relentless and nasty, especially this crew.
Today, I woke feeling like crap after a very long day, and had to get up early to go to Dan’s parents……..did the usual things around their house, had lunch, played cards, had dinner and then went back home. All I wanted to do is sleep, my stomach was absolutely killing me and I could not wait to get home and jump into bed.
I made my food for tomorrow and went right to bed, another very early day. I just hope I can manage to have no problems with my sugars (been up and down all day) and I can wake tomorrow in better shape. I am keeping my fingers crossed, so for now – Good night!
Woke today to a beautiful, sunny morning and having an extra hour sleep……god only knows I needed it, was up most of the night with terrible stomach pains and a bad headache from a sugar low – which luckly we caught before it got bad. Yes, being in the movie house/ mall filled with people would not have been good – quite embarrassing. We went to an early movie to see the new Eddie Murphy movie – it was very good…….God that man has an infectious laugh and smile…..Dan and I both needed to laught, so we used his gift card from my sister…….it was nice, until the sugar low – but the good thing is I remembered seeing the movie.
Today I did errands around the house and cleaned – before going to a campaign meeting with Dan (it is coming down to two more days and they are really playing nasty)…….I don’t get why people have to be so cruel…..I guess it is an ego thing….who knows.
After the meeting, Dan and I are going for Dinner by my sister and the girls…and hang out with them for a while. Maybe – if not to late go food shopping….the cuppards are bare LOL……..if not, tomorrow is another day. I just hope I can get thru the next couple of hours without any problems……I would not mind the head and stomach taking a break from my body too…….wishful thinking…..what is that saying “only in my dreams” – but that is what dreams are for.
Yeah, I forgot,,,,,I have to change over my summer clothes, this just makes me so sad…..No St. Marten, I feel so bad for Dan, that is the one thing looks forward too, as do I. Sometimes I just wish we were so rich, and go where ever we want, and most of all help others the way we would love to…….I am telling you, if I ever do strike it rich, I am going to set up a fund to help people that are down on there luck and go use the help and support.
Some things don’t change no matter how hard you think positive and try, and yesterday was no different. I thought I was doing everything right, doing everything Dan needed, trying to make it easy for him to work, staying out of his hair at the office, drinking snapples/keeping sugar good, etc and it happens again. I do not remember anything from 3:00 in the afternoon on. I manage to mess up things for Dan, meeting with Youseff, and things he needed to get done, spelt a drink on the floor, etc. I was just a mess. All I can say is I am sorry…..and I feel horrible for being a problem.
And then waking this morning feeling like shit, my heart broke more when we had to confirm our one and only vacation…..something we look forward to so much and so desperately needed…is going to be cancelled. I was looking to make up for our big anniverary and Dan’s birthday……..well – once again that is not going to happen. I really hoped that we would go this year…….because I don’t plan on being around nice year- I am so tired and just do not want to do this anymore. At least I have the memory of last year – It was a great time and I will cherish it forever. It just breaks my heart that Dan really needed a break, but at least he is doing what he likes doing and there are lots of people that care and appreciate what he does……and loves him, unfortunately not as much as me….I know I am a burden…..but am truly thankful for all he has done for me…..I LOVE HIM TO DEATH.
Sorry I have not written, it has been a rough couple of months and I wanted to start off new. I wish I could say things have gotten better, but I can’t – they have just gotten worse ( what I can remember that is ) and I just wish I could help our situation (Dan and I situation – especially money wise). I just feel like the biggest burden and I am so depressed with life. I am hoping that writing and venting will help…so please bare with me if I sound negative.
Alot has happen in this time, some I remember – like having parents visit and stay with us, it was so good to have them around, we really enjoyed having them. Dan has gotten to help a friend in his campaign for mayor – have made alot of nice friends and is great to see Dan doing what loves to do – helping others, it gives a him a break from our problems (which he is so good at hiding). I have achieved the biggest and best milestone with the one person who I admire and love so much…..Dan and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary and I managed to stay alive for that and his 50th Birthday……(unfortunately it was not the way we would have liked to celebrated it but we had each other and that is all that counts) and I was able to see my niece and nephew turn one. These were big things to me and I am glad I was here to experience it.
I have had a share of bad lows and some seizures (they seem to have a longer side-effects and the recupe time is much harder) but at least they are not as many………it seems my body is immune to knowing when they are coming on – so therefore my time alone is almost none – thank god for Dan- not so lucky for him,……I am his ball and Chain. The pain I have been experiencing with my stomach and head has gotten worse – it literally kills me to eat, but I think it is all to stress. I just wish we got a break – It kills me to look into Dan’s eyes and see the worry……..He is only human - I am so afraid he is going to pop, and I would be part of the cause……..It really sucks, but I (we ) have been dealt these cards……and we play with what we have – like it or not……..Good thing is we have each other and our love is strong……God only knows the shit we have been thru.
Well, enough of my venting for tonite, I am going to lay down…..my stomach is absolutely killing me and it hurts to be sitting up. Tomorrow is another day………Thank you for listening to me vent and I am glad to be back. Sweet Dreams!!!