Monthly Archives: August 2011

Just want to jump out of my skin

Woke this morning, feeling very disoriented, checked sugar and it was lower than usual for the mornings.  I just feel odd, it is weird.  Did not take any insulin and had breakfast.  By  time for lunch – I seemed to feel worse, checked sugar again and I was a 38…..good thing I checked.  Took some glucose shots (3) to be exact and had lunch.  This of course sent my sugar to like  450 (okay now I am ready for a stroke) and my head is absolutely ready to fall off.   I feel so sick to my stomach and every muscle and nerve in body hurts.  I do not get what is going on, my vision is so blurry too - just not feeling right.  I am trying to stay quite and not talk much,,,,,,my head pounds with every move I make or word I speak.  Don’t want to tell Dan, because he will start to worry and will be asking/checking on me every minute……and this will only make me more irritable and I do not want to fight with him…….It is not his fault and there is nothing  he can do for me….hopefully this will pass .

I just feel like a big waste product.  There is so much I want to do, I hate when I feel terrible. I feel like a  prisioner in my body and just want to escape and jump out of my skin -  I am hating my life and I am sick of always feeling shitty.  This sucks!!!!!  I guess I am feeling sorry for myself and venting; I know I should be grateful and there are others that have it worse – I guess I should just be happy.  It is just not easy to except and I do not like it!!!!!!

Oh God that really  hurt……my head just fell off and is rolling down the stairs as I just sneezed – please somebody just shoot me!!

Time will tell

Finally, I got a fair nights sleep, no lows or seizures…….just got up several times during the nght, and besides the aches  and pains from the previous days lows, I feel okay – the normal for me.

I managed to work out  and get all my the little things done.  Ran errands with  Dan, and went to the office with him. 

Made a nice fish dinner for Dan, we ate outside on the deck and took a nice long walk after dinner……I needed a slow day to recoupe!!!

Monday, Monday

Well it is has been an interesting weekend…..that is of what  I remember.  Did get to go to the pool for a couple of hours on Saturday….. and then we left early to get cleaned up and meet my sister Erika for dinner.   We did something different, we went to Houlihans in Weehawken and ate outside.  It was really fun, besides the great company of my husband and sister; Emerson High School had a reunion for the Class of 1967 and up…….I got to see some people I have not seen in so many  years…….(some people from my class were there), talked for a little while and then we went to Hoboken for ice cream, sat outside and people watched.  It was different and fun. 

On Sunday, woke feeling so bad,  terrible stomach ache, felt just shitty like the weather……I was nervous all day – was having an issue with my sugar (what else is new) and had to get it under control before going to American Idol concert.    The concert was great, our seats were awesome and we had a great time (brought Aurora and her daughter) it was great!!!!!!  But then at the end of the show (thank god, I was going home) I had another bad low – had to drink 2-3 bottles of glucose and was pretty shaky on my feet……don’t remember to much from there.  Just glad I did not make a fool of myself in public or infront of Aurora and Melissa.

It is now Monday and I feel like I was hit by a bus,  at least I remember the concert and dinner with Dan and my sister.  In between that time, when I had the lows – I cannot remember what lead up to that time or much after……Thank god for Dan having my back – because who knows where or what would happen.  At least I did not hurt myself, Dan or anyone else……I hate that evil person that comes out under these low spells.

Very thankful that is rainy out…….just want to stay in bed and try to get my  brain back in some order – I HATE WASTING TIME TRYING TO REMEMBER AND RELIVE  THE PAST!!!!!  It truly sucks, especially for Dan,……what kind of wife am I, he  deserves  so much better……..I guess he can never say I am predictable or boring!!!!

Today is just dragging……..I am ready for Tuesday…..Hopefully, better!

Wow! What the hell!

Well,  it has been an interesting  last couple of days  – I think.   For the last 72 hours, of which half of those hours spent I was sleeping, I would say I remember about an estimated 10 to 12 hours…….the rest is a blurr or don’t remember.   I have had many lows and some very close to seizures……Dan caught them before I was about to do any real harm to myself.   I scared the hell out of him, when he came out of the bathroom, to find me sitting on the kitchen floor, with wet paper towels – I should say red, wet paper towels, red all over me my hands and legs,…..a knife on the floor and the  kitchen in total chaos…..everything all over, and me totally out of it.  He said he was worried  that I had stabbed/cut myself really bad (It sure  did look that way when I clean the mess up – red everywhere)….but I must have tried to make crystal light fruit punch..,,, and God only knows what happened…..Let’s just stay it turned  out to be a disaster.  I have felt like total crap, since then, and  there been other events that Dan has told me that happened.  He has filled me in , which really sucks , because I have no recall of them……just the lingering aftermath of unstableness, pain, and  feeling so sick.  All I hear is, this is why you can not be left alone.  I hope it gets better…..it is cycle….I was doing good for a while, I have not changed anything and can only for the positive…..anyway this to shall past.

It is absolutely beautiful out…….no humidity, sunny, warm, just gorgeous out.  I all ready worked out , and Dan and had a nice breakfast together…..we even cooked a big batch of Chicken saucege and peppers….it was really fun……everything with him is fun….Dan always makes me laugh.  That is why is one of things I love about him the  most……He always makes the best out of a situation ….even the bad ones.

We have alot of things to do today……Hopefully we can get to the pool this weekend.  But then again things alls change with me….and I could have been there and never known….I laugh about it and it  is really not funny, but unfornately it is reality and my life.  So that note  “HAVE A NICE DAY!!!”

Another half a day – what I can remember.

It is another one of those days…..starts off feeling my usual crappy self, get my work-out done, straighten up, have lunch and GOD ONLY KNOWS FROM THERE ON (I lost about 4 hours).. I had a bad sugar low somewhere around 2 :00 pm and lost about 2 hours before and 2 hours of actual problem time.  I am so upset with this happening again, yesterday same  thing not for as long, but I did not now where I was, and then of course the after effects of feeling like I was ran over by a bus, feeling shaky, headache and belly ache; it just sucks.  Not to mention trying to remember what happened during that time and having Dan tell me who I spoke to,  or what I or  what He and I were during/before the low.  But most of all I feel horrible that Dan has to deal with it.  I just want to say “Will someone please put me out of my misery” – it kills me not knowing what I have done, or when I am nasty and uncontrollable  during extreme sugar lows……I know Dan knows it is not truely me,,,,,it is the very bad and evil me.  I give him alot of credit, he  just looks at me  and touches my face and says” Are you feeling better”  and goes on with a smile on his face about his business.   He never hates me…….thank god.

Anyway, I  managed to take a nice walk with Dan after dinner.  I worked-out,  while he watched the  Yankee game.  He deserves to watch the game in peace……..I am just hoping to have a good nights sleep without any problems.   I just want what is left of the day to be over and hope for better tomorrow.  Yes, I am thinking only positive things.  Good nite!!!!

Why???

The last couple days have been so busy.  Dan and I have been running all over the place, and nothing is coming out of it, (Dan is working so hard, and with all the problems of the world, economy, etc…….people are scared to make a move or make any changes in their  life……afraid of what is going to come) and in turn this effects Dan’s lively hood…….alot of work and running around and nothing comes of it.   I feel bad, I wish I could help……I am just the ball and chain in the relationship.

Over the last few days we have celebrated my sister’s birthday – went to Dinner for Greek food, then back to her house to have birthday cake, where my   sister Kathleen brought the twins……It was great,,,,,,I think Erika had a great time.   The twins Olivia and Marcos have gotten so big.  I must say I  have beautiful nieces and nephews…….and  daughters,  I feel old, time just goes by so fast…..it is scary.  I love being around them, and having the memories.

Today is looking like a crappy day.  Although the sun is suppose to come out and it is suppose to be nice.  I have already did my work- out and straighten up.   I am really trying to push my-self and not sit around, because I seem  to feel worse.  I do not what is up with body, (sometimes  I think it is not mind, have no control over it, even when I do everything right…….the highs/lows are just killing me…..I want to just want to jump out of my skin…….I know it sounds like the same old song……but it is scary and frustrating…..I just want to be normal).   Yeah,  Dream on Kris.

Well, it is getting to that point where I am getting depressed  – so I am going to end it here, and hope for the day to get better…….and that the uncontrollable highs/lows will behave.   Keep you posted…..in the mean time  – HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!

And to my rock…..I love you and thank you for being there for me with patience.