Monthly Archives: May 2011

Just Not Feeling Well

Not much else to say.

False alarm

Now that was a joke – major false alarm , the world is still around and nothing has changed…….yes I am still in hell.   Oops!   I am not suppose to say that, I am suppose to be positive…..sorry about that. 

I am starting to get use to the pump and having it hang from my side.  Just wish the sugar lows would lessen or stop…..but I guess I can not complain for I have not had any major seizures, which is good.

Went to see the girls Saturday – went to our favorite cafe and had dinner……It was nice to see them, the little boys (the puppies) and have conversation and catch up.  At least if the  world was going to end …..we would be together.  

Woke this morning with a slamming headache……hurts so bad my neck and back are killing me everytime I move.  I must have slept wrong.  It is still rainy out……this weather is just crazy.  Hopefully, it rains all it wants now and is nice for Memorial Day weekend.   

 Did an Open House with Dan today – had a great turn out – that is one good thing about bad weather – people are not doing yard work.  Came home and made dinner, ate, going to work out before watching the finale of the Apprentice.    It seems like the days are just flying by…especially when they seem so much shorter (when I have sugar lows and lose periods of time). 

Oh well, it looks like I have plenty of time ….to do things, since the world is still around.  Something to look forward to…Happy, Happy, must think POSITIVE.   Gotta go work out before my show comes on …talk to you tomorrow.

Good news – Bad news

Well the good news is (trying to be positive / still working on it) is that I have not had any major seizures.  Lots of sugar lows, but they have been detectable and I have managed to prevent from being a full blown seizure…..now if I could control the memory loss and disorientation (one thing at a time – right).

Now for the bad news……I have to send the pump back….Major malfunction- so the company is sending me out a new pump (which is a good thing) the bad thing is now I have to  reprogram it all over again.  It is always something……but I am happy to get a totally new pump.  without any charge – due to the fact it is still under warranty…..Thank god for that…..there is a god..

Not again

Okay,  no problems during the night – that was a good thing.  I managed to sleep most of the night, only got up twice and I only had a bad stomach ache  when I got up, not both stomach and headache.  I managed to get all my weekend chores, as well as cleaning the house and working out done  by noon.  I am proud of myself. 

Dan and I met our client at the office to finish up on a rental, made copies of flyers for tomorrow’s open house and then headed home.  Worked on the computer and folded laundry, and started to make dinner.  And from there on , I could not tell ya anymore……..I know I made dinner and it was good according to Dan (at least I know I make good dinners even if I don’t remember making them) and I also spoke to my sister- Have no clue about what – I know I spoke to her because Dan asked me what she wanted….I don’t remember the conversation, nor cleaning up the whole kitchen after we were done eating.)  It happened again……all I know is I wish I could rip my head off my shoulders, I  a slamming headache, my stomach is so upset, and my brain/thoughts are scrabbled.  I feel like SHIT…….This just really sucks.  I had a positive attitude today – this is what I get, having no clue and scrabbled eggs for brains.  I just want to go to bed…..but I am going to try to stay up and watch a movie with Dan, I don’t want him to sit by himself on a Saturday night…..God knows, I was lost for a couple of hours before and he was alone.  I don’t know how much more I can take, I feel like I am loosing total control , and I really hate it.

I thought things were getting better

Woke this morning, feeling the same, but today a little different.      I was starting my new, positive attitude.  It seemed to be going well, did floor time with Dan,  ran errands with him, (went to Ramsey Market – Fresh Vegetable Market ) got all fresh vegetables, tofu, fruits,  etc), dropped the last of winter stuff at storage  and ran to the management company so Dan could sign checks / about 3:30 Dan kept saying to me “Kris  check your sugar – I was good, did not argue or fight him, just did it ….sure enough it was low – 40.  So of  course I had to quickly  drink a glucose shot and I tried to overlook the bad headache.  Got home, put all the  food away and started to prepare for dinner.

Next thing I know around   6-6:30 , Dan is handing me another glucose shot, telling  me to hurry and drink.  I was so confused – I kept thinking another shot – why?  I look around and I am sitting on my deck, with my dinner in  front of me and Dan  saying How do you feel? It is nice to have you back.  My first thought was OH SHIT!!!! What happened, how did I get there, and did I make dinner? 

Well apparently, I had another real bad low, while I was making dinner…..and I had a problem/started to stumble when I was trying to bring the food out for Dan to eat.  The good thing was I did not make a mess by spilling it all over and it was not burnt and Dan said it was very good - He is so good- if it was bad he would say it was good.  What I remember of eating it – it was very good.  I had lost about an good  2 hours – just being unstable and disorientated.
So much for things getting better with the pump.  I am just so pissed that this is  still happening, so much for a good /positive attitude…..I feel like I can never get things right – no matter how hard I try.  So now, once again I am embarrassed and sitting at the   computer writting this and trying to remember.  (So if this does not make sense, and grammarly not correct…..I apologize as usual)
I gotta go now……my head is killing me  and can barely see what I am typing……talk you tomorrow. 

I AM JUST A PRISIONER

I just give up.  I woke this morning trying to have a positive attitude and it just went out the door.  Today I have to change the pump, so I thought  I would try  doing it myself.    Well that  turned out to be a mess and terrible shouting match with  Dan.   Because he was  doing something, and had to stop what he was doing ( I  did not ask him to stop)…..I just  wanted to get things ready (prepare for the procedure, try it on my own) and  of course I did not fill the pump correctly with insulin – but then again how would I know how to do it if Dan always does it for me…….I   do not care if he is with me all the time/and does it……I would like to be able to do something/ anything on my  own, (he does not get it…..yes, I’m mean and angry, Damn if you are never  allowed to do anything, or have someone always telling you what to do, how to do it, and when,,,,,,,,Jesus I might as well just stop breathing and be dead)……He does not realize how frustrating it is.  I know it is not easy for him, and he is stuck with me.(always reminded)…..and how he can’t have his own friends and do things without me   I know……but he can go any place he wants when he want (okay most of the time it is as long as I’m with him……he makes the decisions/all the time.  He is not a prisioner,  I am at the mercy  of him and everyone else.  I wish  – and really mean this, why bother…..I wish I was dead…..I might as well be.   I am so tired of being told what to do, how to act and think ,and  questioned about everything.  It sucks so bad.  I just hate the way I feel, Dan tells me I am not nice and miserable to be around – yeah when I feel this way…I imagine I am not nice – but I am not expected to complain and be upset and always smiling- (let’s see how others would be)….Well I am so sorry, it sucks being me.  I would like him to  be told what do,  questioned every five minutes how you feeling,  how to act, etc. I am sorry for making your life so miserable Dan…….maybe if you didn’t help me and let me go you would have a better life. And  I do not care what anyone thinks, that I should be thankful that I have Dan, believe me I am and appreciate everything he does.  But a person can only take so much of feeling  less then normal and in debt to someone for all their help.  Just want the day to end…….It is getting to the point   -  I wish the  days would never start.

Feeling Like Crap – Just Not In A Good Mood

I  woke today, it was beautiful and sunny, my head hurt but not as bad as it has been.  I got a decent nights sleep, no lows or problems, just got up 3-4 times which is actually good for me.  But I just feel so horrible, I ache and I am just not myself.

Sorry I have not written, just don’t have anything  positive to say.  I find that when I feel this way and you don’t have anything good to say,   I truly believe it is  best not to say anything.  Nobody wants to hear the same shit……..know one really cares, we all have our problems, so I have decided to suck it up and deal with it….(it is just easier to deal with the shit when you have a light at the end of the tunnel or a chance things will get better), and I know that it is not going to happen – not in my case and I know that.  But it does not hurt to  want and wish for better.  Anyway, just looking forward for the day to end, go to bed and go to sleep…….at least then I can dream of good things, like feeling better and not having this constant feeling of being a burden and abnormal. 

Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow in a better mood and have something  positive to say……..god knows I am tired of hearing myself -   I can only imagine how everyone feels listening to me……I really am not a Debbie Downer (I am normally positive – just in a bad rut), and I truely apologize.   Good night

Just Want To Say Thanks

I just want to say Thank you to a very special man in my life.  This man is my hero,  my inspiration and best friend, he is my rock and lover.  Thank you for making mothers day special…….I can not tell you how much I love you – there are no words that can express how much.  And although I may not act it, and get frustrated, and take it out on you…….I truly appreciate all you do for me and the patience you have when I am not so nice (when I am not me)…..I just wanted to say that,  every day is special  because of you.  I love you and thanks again.

Happy Mothers Day!

To all my friends and followers of my blog, Happy Mothers Day! And love and thanks to my girls Lauren & Jenny and  husband/cargiver and best friend Dan for making me smile and feel loved this Mothers Day. When times are rough and tough sometimes its the smallest things that make you feel a little better and smile.

Still Adjusting To Get It Right

Well, I knew it was not going to be easy, and it never will – but trying to get the correct dosages, timing, is so frustrating and aggreviating – up. down. up, down…..stable – not stable.  It is just frustrating and if I pull the tube in my stomach one more time – I just don’t have the patience the last few days – I know I have to give myself time to adjust…..I want it to be done already, I do not want to wait any more……But I know I am talking upon deaf ears.  So much for my positive attitude.  
Well,  there are two things that made me smile……going to see my nephew in the play Sousical, he was great in it, he was one of the monkies and did a fabulous job ( he was so excited that Dan and I came to see him) – also got to catch up with Karen (Dan’s sister) and Peter……it is hard to see them as much as Dan and I would like but they are in Ct., and  are always running around like us.  The second thing that brought a big smile to my face today was a flower arrangement from   Lauren and Jenny for Mother’s Day – I was so surprised  when I got the big box!- they were pretty purple and pink tulips in a very contemporary purple glass vase…….very nice Dan is so proud of them and so am I.   And also our  verygood friend Ronnie stopped by to see us ,  it was great to see him and talk.  I knew   Dan felt happy to see him, it has been awhile……Dan and I have not done much socializing, between me being sick, him sick, bills, series of things not going right…..just not the happiest people  and we just  stick to ourselves and try to get by.  I made a nice dinner for Dan and I, we had blow fish, it was the first time I made it and If I must say  so – It was really, really good. 

 Looking forward to sleeping late tomorrow. work out, go for  long walk with Dan (if weather permits), get my nails done (maybe) a     quiet day with my favorite man.     Gotta go work out now……the pool season  is =in 3 weeks. I have ALOT TO DO ON MY END.