Daily Archives: April 28, 2011

A Terrible Feeling Of Fear

I woke this morning and I have had this haunting feeling of fear and depression (not to mention my normal aches and pains).  I guess the weather is not helping, it is dreary and the thunder is roaring loud , and it is pouring outside cats and dogs.  I am looking out the window, listening to Dan talk to clients, trying to solve problems with their real estate deals, and them complaining about situations in their lives, little things.  I sit here and think, what if they were in our situation.  I mean we have people complaining to us that something like their dog peaed on the floor, or they have to hang a picture, etc……..the world is coming to end for them,   SHIT – LISTEN TO  YOURSELVES,  if that is a problem, I will take it in a heartbeat. 

What would they do if they were in our shape……having no savings or money to pay bills, due to the  constant medical issues – which will never end,  lack of business because real estate is slow,  worried about loosing our house, lack of health insurance for Dan, etc….I could go on, but we keep going and we never let on.  God I just want jump into on-coming traffic if I could get the nerve too.  I know we all have problems, and they are big to us,  but believe me they are really not that bad……there is others that have it worse……be thankful for what you have and especially if you have your health.  That is the key, without it, life really does suck, the pain, worries and side-effects are always haunting and diablilitating.   Trust me, I know.   I guess I am just venting,  I am frustrated and tired of struggling and seeing my rock, beating himself up trying.  We just never get a break – even a little one.   I thought putting this into words would make me feel a little better emotionally – well it didn’t…….I think I have depressed myself even more.  Well that really sucked, this writting is suppose to help me – Good job Kris.

A Readers Note To Me

 I received this letter in a comment to one of my posts and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Kris, I have read your story and your blog over the last 30 days and my heart goes out to you and Dan. I currently live in Chicago but use to live in New York with my wife and 3 children. My wife was stricken with a rare brain cancer 9 years ago and we saw every doctor in the city that we could for help. We tried lots of things that insurance didn’t cover and we had to go bankrupt and sell our house that was not the bad part to my story. I was ok with losing everything I wasn’t ok with losing my wife.  Seven years ago I came home from the food market to find my wife dead. I had only left her an hour. In the days to come I found out that she had killed herself.  She had told me over those past 2 years dealing with the cancer that she didn’t want to ruin my life with all her pain and financially ruin our family. When we used the girl’s college funds to pay for expenses she was so depressed. Well Kris she gave up thinking it would be best for me. From that day on for the next 4 years my life has spiraled out of control. From drinking, to  prescription drugs to street drugs to being homeless. Today I can tell you that my life has turned around and I am off the street and  I have a small 1 br apartment and my girls are starting to be back in my life. I am work again as a deli manager. My career before my wife was sick was trader on the floor of the stock exchange. I could have dealt with my wife passing. I could have dealt with losing our house and material thing.  But I couldn’t deal with her killing herself. I blamed myself for that. I wanted to share my story with you because I see that you don’t want to press on in your fight and you feel like you are dragging your husband under. Trust me when I tell you from being on his side he doesn’t care! Let him keep fighting to find you help and family and friends will try and help you financially, don’t be too proud to except help from family, friends and strangers. My wife and I were too proud to except help and that was a big mistake. I don’t know if you believe in god or not but that doesn’t matter. Believe in people, your friends and family. I will be keeping my eye on you via this blog so please don’t give up the fight.

R. Fallon