Monthly Archives: April 2011

A Terrible Feeling Of Fear

I woke this morning and I have had this haunting feeling of fear and depression (not to mention my normal aches and pains).  I guess the weather is not helping, it is dreary and the thunder is roaring loud , and it is pouring outside cats and dogs.  I am looking out the window, listening to Dan talk to clients, trying to solve problems with their real estate deals, and them complaining about situations in their lives, little things.  I sit here and think, what if they were in our situation.  I mean we have people complaining to us that something like their dog peaed on the floor, or they have to hang a picture, etc……..the world is coming to end for them,   SHIT – LISTEN TO  YOURSELVES,  if that is a problem, I will take it in a heartbeat. 

What would they do if they were in our shape……having no savings or money to pay bills, due to the  constant medical issues – which will never end,  lack of business because real estate is slow,  worried about loosing our house, lack of health insurance for Dan, etc….I could go on, but we keep going and we never let on.  God I just want jump into on-coming traffic if I could get the nerve too.  I know we all have problems, and they are big to us,  but believe me they are really not that bad……there is others that have it worse……be thankful for what you have and especially if you have your health.  That is the key, without it, life really does suck, the pain, worries and side-effects are always haunting and diablilitating.   Trust me, I know.   I guess I am just venting,  I am frustrated and tired of struggling and seeing my rock, beating himself up trying.  We just never get a break – even a little one.   I thought putting this into words would make me feel a little better emotionally – well it didn’t…….I think I have depressed myself even more.  Well that really sucked, this writting is suppose to help me - Good job Kris.

A Readers Note To Me

 I received this letter in a comment to one of my posts and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Kris, I have read your story and your blog over the last 30 days and my heart goes out to you and Dan. I currently live in Chicago but use to live in New York with my wife and 3 children. My wife was stricken with a rare brain cancer 9 years ago and we saw every doctor in the city that we could for help. We tried lots of things that insurance didn’t cover and we had to go bankrupt and sell our house that was not the bad part to my story. I was ok with losing everything I wasn’t ok with losing my wife.  Seven years ago I came home from the food market to find my wife dead. I had only left her an hour. In the days to come I found out that she had killed herself.  She had told me over those past 2 years dealing with the cancer that she didn’t want to ruin my life with all her pain and financially ruin our family. When we used the girl’s college funds to pay for expenses she was so depressed. Well Kris she gave up thinking it would be best for me. From that day on for the next 4 years my life has spiraled out of control. From drinking, to  prescription drugs to street drugs to being homeless. Today I can tell you that my life has turned around and I am off the street and  I have a small 1 br apartment and my girls are starting to be back in my life. I am work again as a deli manager. My career before my wife was sick was trader on the floor of the stock exchange. I could have dealt with my wife passing. I could have dealt with losing our house and material thing.  But I couldn’t deal with her killing herself. I blamed myself for that. I wanted to share my story with you because I see that you don’t want to press on in your fight and you feel like you are dragging your husband under. Trust me when I tell you from being on his side he doesn’t care! Let him keep fighting to find you help and family and friends will try and help you financially, don’t be too proud to except help from family, friends and strangers. My wife and I were too proud to except help and that was a big mistake. I don’t know if you believe in god or not but that doesn’t matter. Believe in people, your friends and family. I will be keeping my eye on you via this blog so please don’t give up the fight.

R. Fallon

Just Don’t Get It

I just don’t get …….Again today another low, at least this time we caught it before it went to a seizure……..I am so done with this,  totally discussed that know matter how hard I try and keep my blood checked it still swings this bad.   Even the beautiful weather it could not change how depressed I am……..On that note,  my only choices are to give up or try again tomorrow.

Did I Say Nightmare!!!!

Monday was going to be a very busy, long,  and pressure filled day.  Dan and I had to drive to Toms River, pick his parents up (getting them into car was a task), drive back up to Wayne to the wake of family friend, then get them back into the  car, and drive them back to Toms River, get them  food, and finally go back to Mahwah.  Well everything was going as planned, until on the way home to Tom River, I had a very bad sugar low, and was on the verge of a seizure.  Dan was not able to reach me to prevent it, I was sitting in the back with his father, (mother in front with him because she cannot get into the truck)…..so he did not see the signs…..which of course resulted in total Chaos.   Dan had to pull off the side of the road to help me…. his parents tried to help (the father tried- and his mother thought she was, but made matters worse…..whereupon Dan and her got into it).  After I was stable enough Dan dropped his parents home, and we went to get them food……I had no clue what happened and Dan filled me in.   I felt so embarrassed that his parents witness the situation and that Dan had to deal with this.  I just want to go home and hide.  We ate with his parents,…..very quite/ not much conversation,  Dan’s mother was upset with him – because he yelled at her; so we made sure they were settled and got back in the car and headed north one more time.   Dan is a true saint and great son to his parents……I just hope they know that.

Managed to get home without any other problems, just felt embarrassed and sick from the seizure… my balance was off….and so was my speech.  It was a quiet ride home and a total night mare of a day.  I went straight to bed….hoping tomorrow would be better.

Easter Sunday

I am sure glad the Easter Bunny did not come to my house last night…. He would have been in for a big surprise.   Apparently I had a very bad sugar low and seizure.   I would not drink the glucose shots for Dan and I was falling all over the  place.   This morning I woke with  a terrible head and stomach ache and my legs are so sore to stand up.       Dan said I kept saying my legs were missing during the seizure……..All I know is, god they hurt, and  I am glad I do not have to let on to anyone in the family how bad I feel…….I know Dan knows because he was there, but how I really feel after this low, worse than I have ever felt.  So when he said lets go for a walk, I wanted to just die, but I did not  want to mess up his day, (god only knows I did the nite before), so I put my sneakers on  and went for an 1.5 hour   walk with him.  I made it  – even though it was killing me inside, I would not let him know…..and I am glad, I at least overcame and accomplished something.

It is very quite here, Dan is  watching basketball, and I am going to make dinner – a salad.  That was what he wanted. Dan  is truly a great guy, I just wish he did not have to suffer thru this with me.  I made my calls to my family, to wish everyone a good day……I miss them, but I just am not into talking with people and pretending that everything is great when it is really, really, bad.  And no relief insight.

After dinner, I plan on   just sitting in front of the TV after I work out…..and just veg.  I need to get a good night sleep without any problems, I have a big day  tomorrow – Dan and I have to pick up his parents in Toms River, drive them to Wayne – their friends funeral, and then drive them   back to Toms  River and then finally come home.  God help me  not have any problems.

Just Very Sad

Just one of those days that I just want to cry.  Woke this morning just feeling very sad, just wanted to stay in bed.  My head has been killing me since I woke, my sugar is very high and not  coming down, and it is dreary outside which does not make matters better.  Nothing good is happening…..oh, I finally got my clothes changed over and put the winter in storage.  That is a major accomplishment, did it in just two days, it usually takes me weeks (2)   from start to end.  Making dinner and just going to watch TV…..maybe rent a movie.  Just not in  good spirits and neither is Dan.  Tomorrow is Easter, and we are not going anywhere (was Invited to Erika’s ) but we are not in the best of moods to see people and why should we make them miserable.   So we are going to spend Easter  alone by ourselves…….I am not a big fan of Easter  any- although I am a big Peeps and Robin Egg lover.  You know I am depressed when I didn’t even by them.  Maybe if the sun comes out tomorrow we will go for a long walk……If not I will work out as usual. Well, to everyone celebrating  HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Totally Weird

Totally weird start to the day.  Woke up this morning feeling really weird, my stomach was more upset than usual and I just felt shaky.  I thought it would past, so I decided to skip my  exercise routine (do it later today) and got ready to run  around with  Dan on appointments and errands ;  the next thing I remember is Dan making me drink glucose shots.  I apparently had a bad sugar low - it was only 10:20 in the morning.   I just don’t get it.  I don’t remember anything leading up to the low or anything much after.   So of course this changed my plans for the day, because now I am feeling shitty  and worse than before.  

Finally, after re-grouping, I got myself together, finished getting dressed and ready to go out with Dan (that man is a saint)…..we were able to accomplish all the things we needed to get done (despite the  fact that my head still feels like it is going to explode and I just feel so unsure of things, my thoughts and speaking – so I apologize if my thoughts are scattered).  I managed to work out on my ball…..only did half the sit-ups…better than nothing.  I can’t wait to go to bed and end this day.

Nothing Good

Things just seem to be getting worse, now Dan has no insurance…..he gave it up – so we could pay for the medical supplies.   It is getting to the point that trying to have a positive attitude is getting harder and harder.  I look into Dans eyes and all I see is stress and  worry, I am so afraid that he is just going to explode.  Well the day is crappy weather wise, and as for me and how I feel, don’t bother , I am ready for the day to be done and it just started.  Just so worried  what we are going to do.

I am sitting here, and all I want to do is cry……I am so scared and worried about everything, but most of all Dan.   He is trying so hard to keep things together, but I think we are at the end.  It kills me to see the saddness in his eyes.  I think of all we have been through together, probably more bad things in the last 10 years together, then most experience in a life time, but there is only so much one can take.  And I think we are at our end…….there is nothing left.  Dan I am so sorry for all this.

I told Dan not to read my blog anymore, because I do not want to upset him…….so hopefully he listens to me for once,  I do not want him to feel any worse than he already does.  But just in case he does not listen to my request……………DAN, I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING A BURDEN TO YOU, I WISH MORE THAN  ANYTHING I WAS NORMAL AND NOT SO SICK, AND COULD MAKE THINGS EASIER……..I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND TRULY THANKFULL YOU ARE MY HUSBAND.

New Day But Nothing Changes

Okay,  it is Monday, the beginning of a new week, the past should be the past, and a fresh start right?.  It just doesn’t work out that way for me. My life is like  the movie Groundhog Day. no matter what I try to change the day still ends the same way. Its just a bad ride that doesn’t seem to end. “they” say BE  POSITIVE….THINK POSITIVE but “they are not me and I’m gettin tired of hearing “them”.   That is what I have tried t do for the past few years. All the prayers and well wishes don’t work so what is left? I feel like crap  today and feel like a puff ball, retaining fluids from the last seizure but whats the difference the next seizure is right around the corner waiting to happen and make me feel bad again.  Just  want to feel no more pain both in my body and in my heart. How can anyone stand me when I can’t stand myself?  The doctors tell me that stress is bad for me and helps contribute to my seizures How come they can’t tell me how to fix my daily stress??? Have alot of things to do, but getting off to a slow start. I’m at the point were I don’t care if things take longer to get done. Easter is this weekend and I really don’t want to go any where and see anyone. Maybe just stay around house. Dan is checking to see what the girls are doing but he thinks they have plans.

Bad Ending To A Nice Evening

Well, so much for a nice evening with husband and sister.  After I posted my blog, I straighten up a little and went to bed.  Next thing I know, I woke in the morning with a really bad headache, every bone in my body hurt and a horrible pain in my stomach; on my night stand were two empty glucose bottles, and I was not in the same closes as I went to bed in, and my hair  was in ringlets (which is from sweating so bad)……that  was a sure sign there was a problem during the night.  Of course I do not remember anything, just feel the aftermath.  I can also tell by - Dan is very quite and distant…….he did not get much sleep I’m sure and I probably gave him a hard time drinking the glucose.   I feel horrible, physically, mentally unstable, and emotionally I am a wreck.  It kills me that Dan has to take care of me and I  put him thru this…..all I can say is I am sorry.  He never once said to me anything went wrong or what happened he just did what he needed to to help me and that was that and acted like nothing happened. I really want to say to him……”just let me go, don’t help me…..please”.  But that is another wish, along with winning the lottery that will never come true.  I can only hope but I know Dan won’t help me with that wish that one is in my hands.   Dan if I have not said it for the millionth time, I AM SO SORRY AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!Have a lot to do today, although  I’m feeling  shakey  – have errands and appts. to go on with Dan and hopefully come home with out any problems and relax.  Wish me luck.