Monthly Archives: February 2011

Finally, a Sunny Saturday and nice

Woke this morning to a bright and sunny room, it almost looked warm out.  Wanted to sleep late but just couldn’t, the sun was blarring into my eyes.   Did not sleep very well, my stomach was upset all night, felt like I was going to toss my cookies every time I moved.  And then when I did get up to check my sugar it was 45,…I am so glad I caught it before there was a problem and I would have then disturbed Dan, he was sound asleep – finally, he was out like a light  – he didn’t even wake when I got up.  And then when I went back to sleep, I had the weirdest dreams,,,,, my tatoo fell off my arm and I was so upset – and then it was so strange, later in the morning at breakfast – Dan mentioned something about how he didn’t like his tatoo ,  it was just so weird that we both had thoughts about our tatoo’s.

I cleaned this morning and did the usuall Saturday chores, and then managed to make brownies and a Kime Lime pie, it was the first time, came out pretty good.  After my baking therapy – which did not help me and my depressed mood – cleaned up and went with to Dan to run errands……..Picked up a beatiful basket that was sent to us by a client……She is so sweet and special……Wanted to thank Dan and I for helping her – Dan in getting her house sold and so she go to Az.

Got quick bite to eat and came home for pie – It was so good…..I am impressed……Looking forward to a quiet evening…..maybe work out if my head and stomach stop hurting…..If not. I  must do so tomorrow,,,,,,summer is coming and I need to get into shape….feel like a big cow with a heavy sweater on – it is tight .   Good night!!!

Still no where and frustrated!!!!

I just don’t get it. I woke this morning after having a terrible nights sleep, hoping that today we be different, but no….just the same old thing. I have a slamming headache and a terrible belly ache (like that ever changes – but I have grown accustomed to that), but I just can not understand why it is now 3 weeks to get the results of a blood test I had done in the hospital. I have called ever day (some times twice a day) and even offered to have the test (blood taken) again……I need the results of the test so I can forward it to the insurance company – necessary in deciding whether I get the pump. Dan even called today – expressing frustration and concern – because it will take another 2-3 months if approved to get the pump which my doctors want me to get. I am just so lucky I have not had any bad seizures or terribly bad lows…..I told Dan – I HAVE HAD IT. THIS IS RIDICULOUS….. I AM DONE -I TIRED OF DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT AND JUMPING HOOPS…..TIRED OF WORKING SO HARD FOR EVERYTHING……it is not like we are gettting it for free—–shit we have to pay for it and we had to pay for those test……

So needless to say we are not in the best of moods……just want to crawl somewhere and never come out or deal with anyone….especially people that can make decisions….it just sucks. Sorry. just venting……it is so   hard to  feel positive and happy – when you feel like crap and everything is a struggle.

Feeling uneasy and scared…

Sometimes I just wish I could find a big rock and hide under it…..and leave all my fears and concerns there when I was ready to come out. Lately, I just wake with this tremendous knot in my stomach….just so worried about Dan, his health (heart and blood pressure) and his whole attitude on life and his mental/emotional status…. he is under so much pressure which is just not good. He just seems so depressed and distant…Everyone thinks he can handle everything, because he is always happy, helpful and never complains…..WELL, HE IS HUMAN TOO!!!. I tell him I am worried about him and his well-being, he tells me he is fine and not to worry, but I know better……I feel helpless and responsible,… really sucks. It is just not fair – I wish I was healthy enough to work and help out. I just hope Dan knows how much I love him, and appreciate all his sacrifices, I just feel my love and support is not enough…. I want a job, or better yet to hit the lottery just once, and I would get him a great horse and I would give back to help others……cause I know how much it sucks!!!!!!!  But most of all, the rewards would be something the two of us would love and a dream we both have.   Just guess I needed to vent,,,,,,Maybe tomorrow will be better.

What a day –

The last few days have been so busy….trying to catch up for lost time, being sick in the hospital and Dan being sick. It is really tough trying to catch up for lost time.

Went down to Dan’s parents yesterday to celebrate Dan’s fathers 88th birthday….God Bless him , he looks great, he is a man of 9 lives, amazing. Took him out to dinner- Ruby Tuesdays – likes that place. He had a great day and it made Dan so happy…..He has not been down to see him as of late due to my health……So at least that seemed to cheer him up. We have both been in a terrible mood, just totally depressed and worried. (Financially and medically – but the good thing is we have each other and he always makes me laugh no matter how bad things are – Thank you baby).

Have to get up real early tomorrow to go with Dan on an appointment….and it is suppose to snow again…..JUST WONDERFUL – SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TOO!(

I ready for bed…..just not feeling so good, but what else is new….but the good thing is no real bad lows or seizures……the lows I have  had were at least caught early.  Tomorrow will start another day of trying  to get information for the insurance company, that means hours on the phone and being put on hold…..maybe will we will get somewhere or a step closer to an answer…..can only wish!!!

Still plugging along

Yes, I woke this morning, still feeling like crap – nothing unusual. The only good thing is I have not had any seizures…..and only a few sugar lows….not like before; so that is a good thing. I just wish I felt a little better, just so tired and feel like I am in slow motion. But it could be worse, so I am not going to complain. And besides, it is not snowing out and today is suppose to be much warmer, which is something to be happy about.
We (really Dan) are still working on the insurance company, trying to  get all the paperwork to them, and waiting for answers, which means, I  will probably have to more blood test taken, since they are having a hard time finding the original test taken at the hospital…don’t understand……once again more poking and proding. Dan is amazing, the patience that man has, and the determination to get things done, and not to no for an answer, he is unbelieveable. Well the sooner it gets done, hopefully the quicker we get answers….so off I go…to be a pin cushion once again……Talk to you later.

The Uninsured…. insured

You would think when you have health insurance and back it up with a secondary plan that you would be covered, right? I watched Dan today sit on the phone and try to get the medical devices that they want me on. After his effort we now know that they won’t cover the continuous glucose monitor that works hand and hand with the pump warning me if it predicts a low coming on up to a 1/2 prior. They won’t cover the transmitter nor the sensors. So I would need to pay all of that and the reasoning is ” insurance looks at what they think is needed and not need for diabetics in general, they don’t look at the importance to a device for just one person. If they covered it for you they would be open to cover it for all”  The insulin pump and supplies are covered followed by this statement ” Your insurance has an agreement with the manufacturer that they will get you a refurbished pump its not new”  I wonder how much insurance would have to charge to actually cover people when they need medical care? I guess the thousands that we pay now is only enough to cover healthy people.  I told Dan to forget about it but I heard him on the phone telling them to work on getting me the pump and he was asking them how much would it be monthly for the supplies for the sensor once we bought the transmitter. By the look on his face I think we are going to wait and see if down the road we might get the sensors. I heard him telling the person on the phone what will it cost you each time I bring her to the hospital for a seizure? isn’t that number 50x higher then trying to keep her out of the hospital with the sensor? I could see by the afternoon his blood preasure was sky high and he was barking at everyone who crossed his path…EVEN CLIENTS.  I tried to explain to him not to worry and what I feel like being the drain on us financially and he didn’t want to hear it.  I think he is selling his best horse  he has after it races tonight at Yonker for less then its worth just to pay some way overdue bills we have. Two years ago I watch him sell his all time best horse he owned to pay for medical bills. No one could ever knw how that makes me feel. All week he has been working on getting alot of real estate listings and scrambling to line up some future income when they close. I am very worried what all this stress is doing to his health considering his blood preasure was thru the roof and last few days its been pretty high again. I don’t know if I could sit on the phone for hours like he does getting past from person to person to keep getting rejected  with my coverage and keep his pitbull attitude that he will wear them down and not go away till they listen to him.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Although I do not take Valentine’s Day to be a big Day….it is over rated, with gifts, etc…..I feel every day should be Valentine’s Day, and we should always treat each day as special and always tell the people we love how much they mean to us….I am taking this Valentine’s Day to say a very special Thank you to Dan for being there for me. I appreciate all that he does for me and the sacrifices he has made in his life for me…..most men would not be able to do it….He is absolutely a true saint, and the most compassionate and patient man I know, and has the biggest heart. I just want him to know I love him to death, and I would never want to be anywhere but by his side……He has made my life fun and exciting…and has showed me love that I never seen or experienced before. I thank you Dan, and I will promise to keep your wishes…..That we have many more Valentine Days together…..side by side, till we are old and gray.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Woke this morning, feeling like I have not slept in  days….still trying to recoop the sleep that I lost in the hospital. I have not had any sugar lows so far…..but the highs are still happening and my head feels like it is going to explode – but I am not complaining for at least I am home and not attached to machinery and having tubes running  from my veins…that is always a plus. Dan and I have alot of running around and catching up… we got up real early and out……trying make up for lost time…..I don’t mind…I at least feel like I have a purpose.  Besides, I like when Dan and I have alot to do…..always fun and have a sense of accomplishment. He is my buddy……I love ya.  I can tell he is worried and depressed, I wish I could something to make him smile…..I feel horrible.   Hopefully this shall pass…..I keep telling him, we are alive and together, and that is all we need – unfortunately it is not helping…..just making me feel worse about the  whole situation.  May be tomorrow will be a better day.  Positive thinking right…..well so far it is not working 🙁

Long Day In The City

Dan and I went in to the city to meet with the insulin pump specialist and then with the endo doctor. The pump that they want me to go on is the newest and the only one on the market  that does what it does. Its as close to a mecanical pancreas as you can get today. You wear a sensor on one side of your stomach and the pump on the other side, whereupon the sensor then tells the pump every few minutes what your blood sugar is.  You can then have it warn you up to 1/2 hour before a sugar low or high – alerting you that your going to have a problem so you have a chance to fix the problem before it occurs. It senses and predicts trends in your sugar and alerts you. My insurance might pay for the pump and part of supplies but the sensor system is probably not covered. The one infuser is $50 every 2 days the other is $50 every 3 days and then you have to buy the transmitter and so on and so on; plus you have to get everything in 3 month supplies. Right now I have to check my sugar every hour so that means I get up every hour thru the night plus  it starting to effect the feeling  my fingers  – I have be doing this  for 7 years. With the sensor I would  only calibrate 2 times a day with a finger stick. Dan told the rep to see what the insurance company will pay for and what we would need to pay for, I told him to forget it.  I keep telling him, what if We could get it and it does not  work that well for me,  it would  be a waste,  and even if it does work will….Its would be an additional bill every 3 months, plus the start up bill …. Which so expensive, No way….we are having a hard time now. 

 On the way home in the car the news had on the story about the polite man who robbed the 7 eleven and was caught. He said he needed the $300 to feed his family. Then they interview a man on the street who said “I have been thinking about doing the same thing for last few months,” he said he must have thought about it over 200 times. He went on to say he has cancer and can’t support his family anymore and if he did the robbery and then got caught, he would give the money to his family so they could buy what they needed and when he was caught, the prison system would pay for his cancer treatment. I looked over at Dan and he said ” Want to stop on the way home for a SLURPEE?” He has a way of making me laugh even when I don’t want to.

 I’m worried about him he really doesn’t want to talk with anyone, see anyone, he is never quite and now he is. When we have dinner at night he is usually a chatter box,  but of late he just tells me the meal taste great and thanks me for it, and thats about it. I feel like I am putting so much pressure on him and I’m starting to see it ware on him.  When things got tough,  I use to tell him, I would be happy living in a card box as long as I was with him, and it always made him smile, now I don’t get that smile, he just turns and walks away and says don’t worry I figure it out you don’t need the stress.  It is killing me to see him like this,  I miss the old him and us that could laugh  at everything ……I just wish I was not the cause of his stress and could help or just make him smile….I want my old Dan…….And want him to know – I love him so much and know how much he wants to do the best for me……I keep telling him, I don’t need anything – all I need is him.

Insurance #%&#!

Over the past few weeks I have gotten a lot of  emails about how does my insurance cover things for me, financially how do we do it, and how does the money problems and health problem effect my marriage.  It is a daily struggle.  I’m lucky I have someone who doesn’t understand the word lay down or give up!  I don’t know how I would do this on my own.  I think if you are on your own you need to have friends and family to help out or it will over whelm you.  And even with having someone like Dan by your side, it eats you up  and kills you, slowly….(Dan would be so mad at for saying this but it is true……We are drowning ….just together).

The doctor wants me to go back on a pump, not the pump I was on,  but a new one that lets me take smaller amounts of insulin.  This new pump is also the only one on the market that has a sensor that goes with it. So the left side of your stomach has a pump on it and the right side has a sensor that tells the left side if my sugars are getting to high or to low, and then you adjust the pump to either give more or stop giving insulin…… (there for having more control  to prevent lows, highs and damaging seizures). The doctor says that a regular diabetic uses the pump as choice to make life easier for them, but I need to use it to try and keep me from having this many seizures.  Well,  Dan has been working on  the laptop all morning seeing if my insurance will pay for the pump,sensors and supplies….It doesn’t look like they will pay for it all.  And I know it is killing him inside,  he looks so depressed.  I think this is going to be just like last time,  they will say I don’t need the sensors.  When you have something wrong with you, that is not common and becomes very upsetting.  This is not a good thing at all, because your insurance doesn’t understand your needs and really does not care. The last time we went thru this, Dan spent days upon days fighting and appealing the insurances declines. I feel so bad that I am such a burden on us financially….Its bad enough that our income is Zero when I’m sick and Dan can’t get out and work,  but it makes me feel even worse when I know we can’t pay our bills and Dan wants me to get the medical devises and monthly supplies that insurance does not cover.  Dan, always says for me not to worry that stress is bad for me, well stress is bad for him too!  And I worry about him most all.  We earn income between his real estate, the race horses and his websites. So today, and this kills me inside and just want to cry….. I heard him on the phone telling the trainer to sell all the horses….This is a temporary fix to pay bills now,  but next month it hurts because we loose the weekly income checks…. He has put his websites up for sale, and again in the  long run a bad thing; besides it kills me for  he has worked so hard on building them. People have been patient and waited for Dan to see them this week to list there homes …so he is putting 5 homes on the market this week, he only lost 2 people who didn’t want to wait.  Thank god for that, but they still have to sell before there is any money coming in and then  Dan loves his car and kept real low miles on it….something just loved.  I heard him telling someone yesterday that he is getting rid of it. I hate seeing him loosing everything to pay some bills and try and get new pump, the devices,  and have enough money to pay for monthly supplies.  I feel like a burden on him, it is not fair, it is bad enough he can’t have a normal life without taking care of me, but now I feel even worse and deeply sadden that  I’m financial ruining  him too.   It is just so unfair, he is a great person, works so hard for everything he has, and it is all going down the tubes.  He deserves so much better, and that includes a someone better.

 So to all the people who have emailed me and asked about how  do we deal with all this financially, and how we go on; I hope this gives you some insight and lets you know that your not alone or the only one who has to fight with insurance and deal with trying to keep your house, cars and pay bills……All I can say to you is if you are going thru the same thing,  I understand your fears,  frustration and pain.  I laugh when the doctors says to me – try to avoid getting stressed “it does not help matters , and will make your situation worse. ” Well  HELLO, NO SHIT!!!  how can you not be stressed and sick, where does the money come from……it does not grow in my yard……we have to work hard and always will….nothing is easy for us (and that is okay – we don’t mind working – God how I wish I could – it just really sucks!!!!!

For those that don’t have these worries, be grateful and I am truly happy for you and may you always be so fortunate…..And for those who have these worries, it is disheartening, stressful and so unfair.   All I can say is I am sorry.  It’s easier to give up then fight and  most people won’t blame you if you did. The biggest thing I hate to hear when I see someone is when they say ” Hang in there Kris, It will get better!” or “Your a fighter, you will get thru this” or the worst!, ” You’ll be better soon” You just wish they would say nothing rather then telling you lies to make themselves feel better! People have a hard time understanding that not all things get better some just get worse…….And they do, we are proof.  Well, I am done venting…..but you now know, why I wish Dan would not save me, I am really not being selfish, just realistic. 

My wish  – that my dollar and my dream comes true – win the lottery, get update in my bills, be current, get the meds I need, repay those that have helped in the past, give Dan back what he deserves (a less stressed,therefore healthier me and the things he given up), and most of all to help others like us…..which I know would make Dan and I both happy… give back……..THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY AND COMPLETE.  “It can’t hurt to dream – some day ! :o)