I sadly finished my 16 year journey with Kris this month . I took her ashes to our favorite place in the world, St Maarten. I placed them in the sea at a beautiful beach she loved. She will always be in my heart.
Update from Dan: Day 33 in ICU. Kris’s spirits are getting tougher to keep high. Her blood levels moved a little in wrong direction since yesterday and her pain is a little worse. She is telling me that this is really a waste of time and money because even if she gets out of the hospital she still has her real main issue of her blood sugar that brought her to the hospital to begin with. She had the bad sugar low and seizure on November 30th and all this was a side issue. It’s amazing how many people follow her blog www.followkris.com and are writing her telling her their issues and how she is an inspiration to them. I showed her a post from a friend today and she asked me to share it on her www.followkris.com page cause she felt it is best advise to give anyone.
Dan canceled all our plans this Nov and Dec because my health is getting worse and he is afraid I will have a problem. I hate that I mess up his plans and others. Wish I could just go to sleep and it would end.
I haven’t been writing because I would just be complaining about the pain. I try to find the bright spots in my life to think about and talk about but with this pain not anything to say today. Sorry
Yes, I am still alive…….just not feeling very well and really do not have anything to say lately. Sorry for not sounding so happy and positive…….It is what it is and I just don’t want to talk about anything. Better days are coming……Maybe tomorrow. “Just following what I preach….If you do not have anything nice to say, remain silent, and say nothing.”
I just want to clearify my last entry……. It was brought to my attention that I am unhappy with Dan……and that is the furthest thing from the truth. I am a just so unhappy with my situation and I am frustrated, these feelings have been building up for the last ten years….I HATE THEM, THEY ARE CONSTANT DEMONS! Dan has tried and continues everyday to be supportive and understanding…..He goes out of his way to make things better,……but somethings are beyond his control, He can not fix everything……eventhough he does his best trying. What I feel is within me and how I feel about my self……….It is no ones fault, this is what life has dealt me and I have to fine a place where I can except the situation and be at peace within myself. I just have not found it and it is a constant struggle……..no one can make it better for me.
I just wanted to make this clear, and it is a battle I must fight on my own. I also just want to state, this blog helps me get these frustrated feelings out, or they would EAT me up……so if I sound negative most of the time I am sorry and I am truly trying to work on this……And that is why, I go periods of time where I don’t write. It is not easy always being positive and having a smile on my face……….I would love to be that person, but I am not……I am sorry in advance. But I can make you one promise…….I am trying and working on it everyday……..I apologize to those who I have hurt and offended. Thank you for understanding!!!!!
As much as I am happy 2014 has gone and over, and it is a new year…….I am internally feeling miserable. Besides my health just all around sucking…….I am just mentally sad. It just seems another year is here and I am not doing anything but existing. I feel empty and like a complete failure and have no purpose in life………I don’t expect anyone to understand. Yes, everyone thinks my life is wonderful, and it is; I have a wonderful husband, a home , nice things and go to nice places/vacations…..but I am missing my freedom to do what I want, and when I want. I am limited to my health condition…..I have no control which is really getting to me, more and more each day. I JUST HATE MY LIFE AND MYSELF…….I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to wake up and do what I want, like go to the Gym and workout, or drive to work by myself….get into the car and drive or go to the stores without asking Dan to take me…….I want to work, feel like an equal. I sit at the office everyday just wanting to jump out of my skin…….it is making me sick inside. I look in the mirror and hate what I see, and what I am becoming. I know Dan tries to accommodate, and will take me places when I ask him, but he does not look at me as an equal……(I am a burden….he is my care giver……He does not realize he is even doing it – and god forbid if I talk to him about how I am feeling…..He says he does count me an equal, but he does everyday, without even knowing it). I have lost myself and it is depressing me so bad.
All I can say is thank god this year has ended……It was a terrible year……filled with sadness, sickness, death of loved ones and dear friends a lot of hard times and drama. Yes, it was a very successful year for business and the office, and the great friends and relationships that were made thru the year……something that I would not change; but besides that This year could not end fast enough. I am not going to rehash the past….sad and painful, yesterday was the past……..Looking forward to tomorrow, the future and the good things to come. Quick and short and to the point………BYE BYE, FAREWELL 2014!!!!!!!
Well, I must say, I need a another vacation……we have only been home for a couple of days and it has been complete chaos. Dan and I were home just for a day….Unpacked….and repacked to go To the Triple Play Real Estate Convention in AC for two days. We had our newer agents come down….whereupon we walked around the convention center introducing them….taking them to company/vendor parties……and Dan and I took the agents out for dinner at Bobby Flays. It was a great evening, we all got dressed up, went to dinner had a great dinner (the food is always excellent), drinks, great conversation and tons of laughs…….(lots of laughs…..my face heart by the end of the night)….and then we went out to dance. It was a great time and his agents really enjoyed themselves.
Then a day later, we had our office Christmas Party with all the agents from the Saddle River office at Varka’s in Ramsey…..This was an absolutely great and fun time……Dan had a secret Santa/dirty Santa…….OMG….it was crazy. Let’s just say…..THE BIG BLACK DICK was a Big hit….the 2nd hit was the magic bullet……It was hilarious……the food was awesome as always……and then all song Happy Birthday to me…..I was so touched…..Ellie had Frank from Lotitos make me a beautifully decorated sheet cake for me in celebration of my 50th birthday…….Another absolutely great day……..the birthday extravangaza continues.
Saturday was another early morning……we had to do Christmas shopping, food shopping, unpack from both trips, due laundry……….Holy crap…..Dan and I have not stopped running. We are exhausted before even starting to venture out. Sunday, my actual birthday…..Dan made me breakfast and we slept in till 9:00……it was so needed. And we were out on the go again……and then we went out to eat at Nagoya’s and went for birthday cake by Erika and the girls……..we was relaxing and good to see them. By the time we got home, I was so ready to collapse………It was a great 50th Birthday.
I just want to thank everyone for my birthday wishes……but most all I want to thank Dan for getting me to 50….it would have never been possible without you